Why does she now want to tell his wife?

What Kim said.  REVENGE!

Murder-suicide sounds like a good option here - at least that is what she's proposing by wanting to tell the wife.

If you fuck a married person then you keep your mouth shut, no matter what happens.  Who is she to complain now if she didn't complain the first time she seduced him.

Your friend is a whore for seducing a married man and a sleazebag for wanting to destroy his marriage because he ended the affair.

Emmeran wrote:

Murder-suicide sounds like a good option here - at least that is what she's proposing by wanting to tell the wife.

If you fuck a married person then you keep your mouth shut, no matter what happens.  Who is she to complain now if she didn't complain the first time she seduced him.

Your friend is a whore for seducing a married man and a sleazebag for wanting to destroy his marriage because he ended the affair.

That sounds about right.

RT, Can I have her number? I love sleazebags.

Roger_That wrote:

To paraphrase her words, she thinks the wife should know what a douchebag her husband is, plus she feels like it's not something she can spend the rest of her life knowing. 

I guess I kind of get the reasoning she wants to say something.  Because, like I said, pain or not I would want to know.

The question I would ask here is whether knowing will hurt the mother-to-be more than NOT knowing will hurt her in the long run.

Then, depending on whether the goal is to hurt the woman, make your decision.

In principle I think cheaters should be exposed.  I'm like you--I would want to know if I was sharing my life with a liar.  But there are a LOT of variables in any relationship, and they're always different. 

Case in point, here:  you say that when the cheater found out he's going to be a father, he ended the affair.  That sounds like he might (might) be trying to straighten out, do the right thing, do what he can to be a good husband and father.  Why not give him the chance to do that before you run out and ruin three lives?

The new bun in the oven has nothing to do with it. If your friend knew that he was married when they first started messing around and he made no promises to separate from his wife, then she should cowboy up and quit her whining. She decided to mess around with a married guy and she should know that makes her second fiddle, no matter what.

If she wants to educate the Mrs what a douchebag he is, what does that make her? After all, she kept up with him when she knows he's a douchebag. At least the Mrs is ignorant. Whatever goes down between the Mr and the Mrs is between them.

Sounds like a bad case of sour grapes to me.

fnord wrote:

I suggest walking away.  The wife knows on some level he’s a douchebag and doesn’t want to know the details.  On the other hand, she might already have been told about it by The Girlfriend News Network.  She may well have had a birth control “accident” in a misguided attempt to save her marriage.  Mr. and Mrs. Douchebag will struggle along for another year or two, before the stress of a new baby and tension over the undiscussed affair (and perhaps a new affair) cause them to break up.  All of this promises to be very ugly and your friend would do well to maintain her distance.

Wifey knows and she doesn't want to be made to acknowledge - this kind of shit is never a surprise.

He did break the cardinal rule by sleeping with someone who had less skin in the game than he did - you should never, ever do that.

She shouldn't say anything to this lady. If the relationship is doomed, its doomed. It will end either this month, 9 months when the kid is born, or when the kid turns 2 and the excitement of being a little happy family really wears off.

Or maybe they are both fucked up and they will just hate each other, he will continue to cheat, she will find out and she will stay.

No reason to get into the middle. Tell your friend it isn't her place, she has no reason to even THINK about these people as much as she has, and to leave it alone and find something else to occupy her mind.

I told her best bet of action was to respond to his email ending things and wish his wife a happy and healthy pregnancy.  Take the high road, and get away from it all because it will just kick her in the ass later.

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't NUTS for my line of thinking (get the fuck away).  It's not like I have a depth of 'marital affairs' to pull info from...

Oh and...Dear Abby:

My cat is becoming demanding of me and wants constant attention.  I, however, am lazy and would rather tap on my keyboard than pay attention to my animal right now.   What do I do?  Do I tell the SPCA that I am being a bad cat owner and ignoring my pet today?  Or do I search the earth for her genetic mother and return her to her rightful place beside her family?

Please help me Abby.  I am going to resort to rum loaded egg nog, cookies, and my hookah.

Thanks,

ClittyLitter

I agree with most here... she should not tell... there's absolutely no reason other than revenge, and that's never a good reason. 

Face it - most men have affairs.  Women know this.  Men know this.  It should be absolutely no surprise to anyone - hell, in Europe, it's virtually expected.  Here in Puritan America is the only place in the world where it's found to be so horrible.  It is, unfortunately for women, genetically normal behavior for a man and has been so since time began. 

Further, the lady in question knew he was married, and could have bailed but didn't, so she's just as much to blame as he is. 

I agree with the statement that the guy is probably trying to 'straighten him self out' now that he's got a spawn on the way... and although he's naive to think he can do so, I give him marks for trying.

Last edited by whosasailorthen (2009-12-17 20:18:01)

Roger_That wrote:

It's not genetics, it's greed, lack of morals, selfishness, and cowardly.

You say that as if those were bad things.

Roger_That wrote:

It IS horrible.  You make a vow and a promise to someone, then you break it repeatedly?  How can any sane person ever accept that.

Same vow as "to honor and obey" ? 

As opposed to the overwhelming norm of remaking him into one of your girlfriends, designing the house completely to your taste and trying to bitch him into acting the way you want him to act?


Usually the guy is the second party to break their vows....

Dmtdust wrote:

Whoa.... we removed those Patrifocal Vows from our ceremony, over 32 years ago.  We used words like honor and respect each other.  It's worked so far.  Why would I ever want a woman to "obey" except in some fantasy?  I think a marriage is a mutual multilateral relationship, not some top down power over situation.  Your speed may vary.  Then again, she was the original anarchist, and great to have next to you in a bar fight, Glaswegian Woman that she is.

Fine by me; respect and obey mean the same thing under my rant - women still try very hard to remake you and your world into what they want - particularly young, first wives.

Just for fun walk into any couples house and please tell me how many of them the man has had more than 10% input into the decorations.  Go to any party and tell me that 75% of the men were not behaving as their wives wanted them to behave.  It goes on and on.

Lack of respect leads to lack of respect - in the good marriages this never happens; but once the breakdown of respect starts, all bets are off.  The first time that one party scolds the other or over-rides the other the die is cast.

I tend to think of the 12-Step approach to this type of situation:

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

(Italics mine.)

I would ask what your friend's true motives are for talking now. Not what she rationalizes or gives lip service to . . . dollars to donuts, her motivation is less than purely altruistic.

Oh you wymmn haters! Ha!

My better half discusses everything we do with the house.  Potpourri was tried once, and we both voted it out.  Persian carpets, William Morris carpets, intricately painted walls, leather chairs, wood chairs, nice couch, and thousands of books.  Did I tell you she is Bohemian?  We tear the place up every few years just for the fun of it and recreate it from floor up.

Roger_That wrote:

It's not genetics, it's greed, lack of morals, selfishness, and cowardly.

Way simpler. It's a chronic rodney, sometimes rising to priapism.

Feel our pain. The one eye trouser snake is blind.

Dmtdust wrote:

Oh you wymmn haters! Ha!

My better half discusses everything we do with the house.  Potpourri was tried once, and we both voted it out.  Persian carpets, William Morris carpets, intricately painted walls, leather chairs, wood chairs, nice couch, and thousands of books.  Did I tell you she is Bohemian?  We tear the place up every few years just for the fun of it and recreate it from floor up.

Dusty, we have a lot in common.  My (ex) spouse picked out the leather couch, and the wall paintings.  The color of the room was agreed on by both.  I don't think, of all the disagreements we had, that it was ever over little things like how we wanted out house to look.  I never forced his hand on anything.  I don't think that's right.

I am not one of those gals that wants to 'control' and 'change' her man.  Those women are the idiots that give the rest of us a bad name.

Cheating may be 'prevalent', but that doesn't make it right.  Seed or not, we have a morality meter, and we can chose to behave morally or not.  Evolution has brought us to a point where we can behave ourselves.  And if we can't, morality should send us out of the relationship.  However, men find it to their benefit to cheat and get what they want - the wife at home to care for them, the house, their children, and the joint $$ - while they go out and pound some random girl because they are 'bored' of sex with the same woman (or some other stupid reason). 

It's the universal difference between men and women, and it will likely never change.  It doesn't make it right, or hurt any less.   Let me ask - men - if your spouse went out and cheated on you, would you not bleed? (haha).

And yes, my friend is a whore.

Rant off.

She should either keep quiet forever, or wait.  Revenge is a dish best served cold.  How can you expect not to be caught when you're cheating?  Either be faithful or break it off.  Now when younger, thinner, better looking, smarter, and with more money throws herself at me (I'm too lazy to chase them) the Boss might have a problem.  The odds are VERY low.

Emmeran wrote:

Just for fun walk into any couples house and please tell me how many of them the man has had more than 10% input into the decorations.  Go to any party and tell me that 75% of the men were not behaving as their wives wanted them to behave.  It goes on and on.

You ever been to a party south of the Mason Dixon line? The men are certainly in charge around here, generally whooping it up, regressing into prepubescent boys at the first sign of a couple of cold, watery beers and/or a handful of local ditchweed. It's an elemental force to marveled at.

Of course, back at home in the trailer, it's still all doilies and kewpie dolls and shit. That's why we have garages with leather couches and big screen TVs here.

A past relationship of mine this piece of shit and I moved in together. He would lie about where he was, not come home at night, not call or pick up my calls, have random girls calling him, blah blah blah. It fucked me up. You are left confused, pissed off, hurt, and feeling pretty shitty about yourself. You also want to kill the person, but stealing a bunch of his shit before you move out is the best you can do. Oh, and it is also great when you find out that they are MARRIED as well. Yes, married and living with you, and cheating on you - what a fun time that was! Fucker.


Of course now with the current BF, there is no cheating, just a bipolar crazy person with a nightmare of a childhood, a fucked up family, and issues up the asshole to deal with?

How about a big FUCK RELATIONSHIPS ALTOGETHER 2010?

Last edited by kim (2009-12-18 13:19:09)

Dmtdust wrote:

kim wrote:

Of course now with the current BF, there is no cheating, just a bipolar crazy person with a nightmare of a childhood, a fucked up family, and issues up the asshole to deal with?

But is he trying to work through it all?  If he is he may be quite the prize.  The darkness helps define the light.  There are many unpolished gems out there, just waiting for the right touch.

Oh yeah, but to an extent. I got tired of the same arguments of What the fuck you said you were going to knock that shit off? And found that it was better to not expect any change and to figure out if I could live with that or not and the things that I couldn't deal with I wouldn't. As RT stated, I too am not one to try to change someone. For one, people don't change unless they want to and more than half the time they don't want to.

Theres medication involved and therapy sessions, but so far I have seen little progress so it can be a fucking pain the ass at times. But I am just so God damn sweet and understanding ... or is it a push over and a joke? I'm not sure.

kim wrote:

A past relationship of mine this piece of shit and I moved in together. He would lie about where he was, not come home at night, not call or pick up my calls, have random girls calling him, blah blah blah. It fucked me up. You are left confused, pissed off, hurt, and feeling pretty shitty about yourself. You also want to kill the person, but stealing a bunch of his shit before you move out is the best you can do. Oh, and it is also great when you find out that they are MARRIED as well. Yes, married and living with you, and cheating on you - what a fun time that was! Fucker.
How about a big FUCK RELATIONSHIPS ALTOGETHER 2010?

This is exactly what I'm trying to point out to Emmeran.  NO ONE should have to suffer that way.  Feeling this way is awful, and leaves scars that last a lifetime.  Yes, that's why I told my friend to not say anything - as ignorance is bliss.  But everyone does stupid (or thinks of doing stupid) things in life, and otherwise she has been a good friend to me.  She hasn't done anything fucked up or whoreish before, so she gets a pass this time.  Besides she's the one (and him also) that has to sleep at night.

CHEATING SUCKS.  FOR ANYONE AND EVERYONE INVOLVED (Knowingly or not).

I'm with Kim.  FUCKITOL.

kim wrote:

To even further the FUCKITOL, and since we have all been so nice to each other (blame it on the holiday season?), I think we just need to have a great big ol' HS orgy! Who wants to host?

From recipe swap to partner swap!

Only if I can shove some pickles up Choad's puckerstar!

Strap On Variety.  Where's Footie?  He'd volunteer.