I like cheese.  Not all cheese mind you, but most cheese.  Let me be specific here, I'm not talking about cheese or cheese or even cheese (though I like that too).  No, I'm referring to cheese, that wonderful edible substance made from milk and rennet and innoculated with unlikely germs.

I'm also a fan of the word "cheese".  It's one of those words that the longer you stare at the sillier it looks. 

Now I'm no cheese gourmand, there are probably hundreds of cheeses that I've never even heard of, much less tried.  You will not find me eating Limberger, Casu Marzu, Valencay or other of the more exotic cheeses.  At the other end of the spectrum, I will not tolerate Cheese Food, Cheese Product, Cheese Whiz, "Cheese" Sauce, Velveeta, or any simulation that attempts to mimic real cheese.

By now you're asking youself, wtf is opsec doing going on about cheese?  Is he drunk again?  Allow me to deftly ignore the latter question and explain.  I am chained to my computer and I'm watching _Mean Girls_ over and over and over again.  Not the movie, just the subtitles.  In Chinese.  All for the princely sum of... well as far as the IRS is concerned nothing.  In truth it's just a bit more than that.  So the bottom line here is that I'm bored.  Very bored.  Unlike RT, who would simply type "I'm bored" over and over again until something shiny caught her attention, I've decided to fight boredom by waxing verbose about cheese.  And getting drunk.  And boring you.

Anyway, back to cheese.  I like most common cheeses, indeed it would be easier to list those that I don't like rather than those that I do.  Which, you guessed it, I'm now going to list.  I don't like Swiss cheese.  I like the Swiss, and I like Switzerland, but I don't like the cheese.  I'm not a big fan of Parmesan either.  Oh I'll eat it if I have to... if I'm faced with a large bowl of pasta and sauce with nothing other than Parmesan, I will dust a bit of the offending substance upon it, but truth be told I prefer Romano.  Another thing I find distasteful is having my cheese adulterated.  I do not like Pepper Jack for instance.  I like jalapenos and I like Monterey Jack, I simply can't stand them both together.  Port cheese is another cheese I stay far away from.  This is not surprising as I don't like Port.  I think cheese logs are usually made of port cheese, hence I'm not one for cheese logs.  I could be wrong, there may be cheese logs out there made from something other than port cheese (or Swiss, Parmesan or Pepper Jack), but I haven't run across any, nor am I so curious as to find out.  Better to let the cheese log lie. 

Having breezed through those few cheeses that I don't like, let me dwell for a few moments on those that I do.  My standard everyday cheese is of course American.  It's not my favorite cheese by a long shot, but it does have it's points.  It's available everywhere, relatively cheap and (wonder of wonders) comes sliced and even individually wrapped.  It has a fairly low melting point, which makes it quite handy for sauces and melting onto hot sandwiches.  It truly is the most user friendly cheese available. Another plus for American cheese is that it pretty much tastes the same no matter the brand.  Keep in mind, I'm talking about cheese, not cheese product or cheese food, which they're so fond of trying to foist upon unsuspecting lactophiles. I also have no real preference as to color, as long as it's yellow or white.  Some people are annoyingly particular about that. 

Now while American cheese provides the bulk of my consumption, it is by no means my favorite cheese.  Actually, picking a favorite would be difficult as different cheeses have different culinary and gastronomic functionalities. But let me start with one of my favorites, which would be Roquefort. Roquefort is a bleu cheese made exclusively from the milk of the ewes on the plateau of Rouergue, Causses in the Aveyron, France..  Now I can't stress enough that I like most any bleu cheese, but of course given the choice and not the check, I'll take Roquefort when I can get it.  Most bleu cheeses are of course associated with a salad dressing, and indeed it's one of my favorite dressings (other than Parmesan Peppercorn, which I realize is contrary to my disdain for Parmesan, but I have my failings).  A proper bleu cheese dressing is basically just the cheese and mayonnaise.  Oh, there are heretics who come up with abortions that they call bleu cheese dressing, but I'm a purist.  It seems a shame to me that Roquefort has been pigeonholed into being nothing more than a coating to make leaves palatable, for there are many other fine uses for this wonderful cheese.  Actually I can only think of one, but that one is justification enough for not relegating this fine veined crumbly delight to the lowly stature of the salad... the Bleu Cheese Burger.  I find myself at a loss for words to describe the nirvana that can be achieved by the proper combination of toasted bun, ground cremated cow and Roquefort cheese.  So you dodged that 3 page bullet.

An addendum... the active bacterium in bleu cheese in penicillin (Penicillium roqueforti
Penicillium glaucum).   

I'd like to take a moment here, as my current subtitle file nears completion (only 3 more to go... and they're in ENGLISH... WOOHOO!), to reflect on the absurdity of Leviticus. OK, I can understand not eating pork, trichinosis was a real problem back then.  I can understand the proscription of shellfish (as much as I love them, they *do* eat shit).  I can certainly understand not wanting to be around menstruating women, for obvious reasons.  And slavery... well admittedly they didn't have Mexicans.  But what possible justification can there be for separating those two most divine of mouthwatering substances, cheese and murd... err meat?!  It makes absolutely no sense!  Personally, it gives me some doubts as to the authenticity of certain biblical claims of divine inspiration.  Either that or God simply has no taste.

Imagine if you will a world without cheeseburgers.  It's impossible.  Consider, when the first LOL cat appeared, what was the very first thing he requested?  A fucking cheezbrgr!  When alt.pave.the.earth was writing their plan for global domination, what was the centerpiece in their asphalt covered world?  An Orbital Cheeseburger Delivery System!  When my vegetarian ex-girlfriend got totally smashed, what did I feed her?  Damn right... cheeseburgers.  Of course I'd abstain from anal sex for the next 48 hours.  OK, this is all a bit tangental, but if you've read this far I pity you enough to get back on subject.

Another one of my favorite cheeses is of course Cheddar.  I grew into my love of Cheddar slowly.  When I was a child, I doted on Muenster and Monterey Jacks, Goudas and Havarti Creams, but when I grew into a man I put away childish things and came to appreciate the true tangy grown-up flavors that are only to be found in a New York Sharp.  OK, that's a lie, I still like all my childhood cheeses, but my point is that my palate was simply not sophisticated (some might say jaded) enough to savor the exquisite delight of a truly sharp cheese.  Now while I'm using New York Sharp as an extreme example, I don't mean to denigrate the other fine cheddars.  Hell, I even consider Colby a honorary cheddar, though of course in truth it's closer to a Jack.  Now all this isn't to say that cheddar doesn't have it's limitations.  While, like most cheeses it makes a burger at least 7x as tasty, it's problematic when it comes to sauces.  Cheddar sauces have a wonderful flavor, but as cheddar has a higher melting point than many cheeses, a pure cheddar sauce tends to be both lumpy and oily. The lumpiness can be remediated by cutting with milk, but to ease the greasiness it's best to cut it with some less manly cheese... American for instance.

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out to both Wilbur and Tojo that the chance to respond with toe-cheese, ball cheese and/or dick-cheese comments died about 3 paragraphs ago.  On a totally unrelated matter, I may have to cut this post short.  It seems IF I get all my subtitles rendered, and actually start the 12-15 hour final movie render, that it's imcumbent upon me to go to a The Machine show tonight. This is a bit problematic as I now have to curtail my consumption of alcohol until that juncture is upon me, however don't despair  dear readers.  I have several hours yet.

One of the lowliest and most misunderstood cheeses is the poor man's cheese, which is of course why it's named cottage cheese.  This is the famous "curds and whey" that the arachnophobic Little Miss Muffet was chowing down on when she overreacted, but I'll bet you that spider was not after the stupid little bint's blood, but simply couldn't resist that delectable cheese.  I'll admit that "cottage cheese thighs" is visually accurate for said  offending fatty parts, but let's not blame the cheese.  It IS available in lowfat (I won't touch "lowfat" anything, but that's another 17 page post).  Anyway, lets face it, cottage cheese will always be ugly, but it's a fine cheese nonetheless.

Since cottage cheese is so important, I've decided to award it a paragraph break.  Consider if you will the utility of this poor ugly cheese.  What other cheese is touted in so many "diets"?  What other cheese can you just mix up with some canned fruit and call a "healthy breakfast"? How many other cheeses can you actually squirt through your teeth and really gross our your woman?  OK, seriously you simply can't make a decent lasagne without cottage cheese.  Oh, there are those who have tried... the purists that insist that on ricotta and mozzarella.  Not to put to fine a point on it, but these people are idiots.  The ricotta must be cut with at least 50% cottage cheese or your lasagne sucks.  I'm sorry, I sometimes get a bit personal when it comes to cheese.  SUCKS I SAY!

Moving on to some of the lesser consumed but greater cheeses, we come to the wonderful world of soft cheeses.  Being the model of brevity, I'm only going to mention two of them... brie and Camembert. Now brie is a fairly well known and available cheese, and I'll assume even the cretins among you have had brie at one time or another. Some people have a problem with the skin on a wheel of brie, but let me assure you it's simply mold that has been sprayed on the cheese so that it ripens from the outside in. While it won't hurt you, the skin doesn't add anything to the cheese, and actually clashes when the brie is paired with a wine. To which I say Fuck You Charlotte Eichna... all cheese is created from mold bacteria, I don't drink wine and the brie crust is actually quite tasty, if somewhat different in flavor from the creamy inside. You stupid cunt.

Misogyny aside, let's move on to Camembert, which while similar to brie has a distinct difference.  Camembert is like a fruit, you age it at room temperature until it's ripe, and what is ripe depends upon your taste.  My sainted mother for instance enjoys Camembert when it's at it's yellow oozing rotten "full-flavored" nastiness.  Bless her heart, but this is a cheese that can really send the dogs running.  It starts out very similar to Brie in it's mellow soft cheese flavor, but within a few days can funk up a whole neighborhood.  It's not quite a Limberger nasty, it's a bit more cosmopolitan in it's incredible stench.  OK, enough about Mom. I'm a big fan of Camembert before it rots into a weapon.  It's very similar to brie, (which also ages, but not to a WMD).

Let's move on to a traumatic cheese experience that I'm thankful to say I've overcome.  I've always liked cheese, even as a young sprout, but when I was 3 I wasn't as discriminating as I could have been.  This wasn't always a bad thing as it was at that age I developed a love for escargot.  But an open mind and and open palate can spell disaster, and Gouda provided that.  At 3 years old, colors and tastes are more correlated than they should be... and that damned Gouda was wrapped in the prettiest bright red wax.  You can see where this is going.  When I finally could shit again (I think I was 4 by this time), I had a bit of a phobia about red foods.  Oddly enough, I enjoy Gouda cheese now, but I can't deal with raspberries.

I'd like to take a moment to address our vegetarians out there.  I realize that some of you don't comsume milk products (because it's cow-slavery or whatever), but to the sane people I'd like to point out that Cheese can be made with or without rennet which is derived from the stomach tissue of a slaughtered calf... Today more and more cheeses are made with “microbial enzymes” which are widely used in the industry because they are a consistent and inexpensive coagulant. The term “microbial enzyme” means it is a synthetically developed coagulant. The term “vegetable rennet” means it is derived from a vegetable source. Soft cheeses such as cream cheese and cottage cheese are manufactured without rennet. Some cottage cheeses, however, may contain gelatin which is derived from animal sources. All labels should be read carefully.many cheeses are available that cheese can be made with or without rennet which is derived from the stomach tissue of a slaughtered calf.  Which of course is murder, which is the spice that makes everything taste so good, but it's nice to know that you people can eat certain cheeses without worrying about killing a calf. Of course this is wasteful considering that I'm going to be eating the veal anyway.

OK, I just dumped going to the Pink Floyd cover show.  It's a pisser, but I have too much rendering to do and too many cheeses to document.  You poor fucks. 

OK, let's enter the world of American softs.  Let's start with Jack.  In its earliest form, Monterey Jack was made by the Franciscan monks of Monterey, California, during the 1800s. A Californian businessman by the name of David Jack first began to mass market the cheese. He produced a mild, white cheese, which came to be known at first as "Jack's Cheese", and eventually "Monterey Jack".  Bless you Wikipedia.  I could add to this, but I'm not going to.

Ah Muenster. Oh shit, I mean Munster.  Once again I bow to Wikipedia.

OK, we all see what I'm doing here... I'm starting to rely on links to cover for the fact I'm getting too drunk to continue actually writing anything about cheese.  Hah.  J'accuse?  Non, I have plenty of cheese left.

Now given my alleged prediliction for the hirsute, some of you may be surprised that I'm not a particular fan of goat cheese.  Well, true and not. I will say that I'm not much for goat milk... it tastes like barn.  However, cheese make from this piss tasting milk can actually be quite good, or it can be horrendous. I'll leave it to you dear reader to figure this one out for yourself.

OK, actually I'm done with cheese for now.  Not that I've plumbed the subject to it's depth, but I have several turkey carcasses to deal with.  But that's another thread.