#1 2008-03-18 14:02:50
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . .. it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
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#2 2008-03-18 14:59:57
What's the difference between a dead racoon in the road and a dead attorney in the road...
Skid marks before the racoon
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#3 2008-03-18 15:59:19
What do you call 100 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
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#4 2008-03-18 17:47:57
And my all time favorites.
Did you hear about the lawyer who had a drop in client with a couple of questions? When finished he handed the lawyer a crisp hundred dollar bill and left. The lawyer took the bill and quickly realized there were actually two hundreds stuck together. Well, now he has an ethical dilemma, should he tell.......................his partner?
What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to her neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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#5 2008-03-18 17:55:23
What's black and tan and looks great on a lawyer?
A rottweiler.
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#6 2008-03-18 18:21:00
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
My favorite bad lawyer pun:
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiant.
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#7 2008-03-18 18:32:13
I heard it was so cold in Upstate New York last week that the lawyers had to keep their hands in their own pockets.
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#8 2008-03-18 20:39:06
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says......... "No shit, what law firm do you work for?"
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#9 2008-03-18 22:21:34
MrCreosote wrote:
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says......... "No shit, what law firm do you work for?"
Ladies and gentlemen: the rare and beautiful "In-Thread Asshat".
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#10 2008-03-18 22:31:57
sic wrote:
What's the difference between a dead racoon in the road and a dead attorney in the road...
Skid marks before the racoon
"Snake" works much better...everybody loves raccoons...
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#11 2008-03-18 22:50:03
Zookeeper wrote:
MrCreosote wrote:
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says......... "No shit, what law firm do you work for?"Ladies and gentlemen: the rare and beautiful "In-Thread Asshat".
I was waiting for someone to notice.
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#12 2008-03-18 23:13:59
This is my favorite:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
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#13 2008-03-18 23:23:42
headkicker_girl wrote:
This is my favorite:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
The 28 are support staff, right? We are so over-looked....(AND we do ALL the work....)
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#14 2008-03-18 23:24:40
Only difference with an ad agency is the billing is more creative.
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#15 2008-03-19 00:43:58
Igor was sent to the supernatural supermarket to retrieve some brains for Dr. Frankenstein's new project. Igor asked a store clerk if there were any human brains for sale. The clerk replied that there were, and asked Igor, "What kind of brains would you like?. Igor asked the clerk, "What do you have available?.
The clerk took Igor to aisle 3 and pointed to a jar. "These are normal human brains. They cost $80 an ounce. You won't find a better deal this side of Transylvania." He pointed to another jar, "These are genius brains, of the most superb quality. They cost $200 an ounce. Our prices cannot be undercut!" He pointed to a final jar, "And for the distinguished connoisseur, we have lawyer brains, $120,000 an ounce."
Igor was confused, "Why do the lawyer brains cost more than genius brains? I mean, there are fewer geniuses than lawyers, shouldn't those brains be more valuable?"
The clerk gave Igor a particularly tired glance. "Look buddy, can you possibly grasp how many fucking lawyers we had to kill just to get an ounce of brains?"
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#16 2008-03-19 00:47:17
Well, at least the new blood is entertaining...Thanks miscreant.
Last edited by Lurker (2008-03-19 00:47:44)
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#17 2008-03-19 02:08:13
EDIT TO REMOVE SAME JOKE AS PREVIOUS POST AND REPLACE WITH VARIOUS PIC!
(please pardon my...aw fuckit/talk to my attorney)
===============
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
===============
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
===============
In light of all of the financial fiasco of the past few days, name one industry thats hiring....and making profit...
LEGAL
ThankYouAllGoodNight!!!
Last edited by sic (2008-03-19 02:16:29)
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#18 2008-03-19 07:48:47
In light of all of the financial fiasco of the past few days, name one industry thats hiring....and making profit...
LEGAL
ThankYouAllGoodNight!!!
Hate to break it to you bud, but the legal industry's been hurting like any other. The only field of law that's doing bang-up, a-ok is energy law (which is one of the only industries that's doing a-ok.) I have decent credentials and used plenty of contacts, still it took me ages to find my first job. Too many law students, too few jobs.
One of my other favorite lawyer jokes (because it's so true)
What's the difference between a cactus and a law school?
A law school has all its pricks on the inside.
Last edited by Miscreant (2008-03-19 07:49:42)
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#19 2008-03-19 10:06:40
Miscreant wrote:
Hate to break it to you bud, but the legal industry's been hurting like any other. The only field of law that's doing bang-up, a-ok is energy law (which is one of the only industries that's doing a-ok.) I have decent credentials and used plenty of contacts, still it took me ages to find my first job. Too many law students, too few jobs.
Shit, the rather large firm I work for can't hire enough attorneys right now. IP is doing quite well (both prosecution and licensing) and corporate bankruptcy is looking to have a banner year. All I'm saying is that regardless of the economy, the attorney is still going to get paid.
Either way:
Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
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