Taint - if a sandwich were a cock, would you stick it up your ass? I mean...if it had green spots on it?

So...you would stick the sandwich up your ass?

I knew this guy that took a lot of pain medicine. By "a lot", I mean about 160-240mg a day of Oxycontin (a drug that is about a molecule away from being heroin).

He kept having the night crew at his work drinking his snapples. He put post-its on them saying, "hands off" but nobody listened. One day, he emptied out about 1/3 of his snapple and filled it back up with his own piss.

The next morning, sure enough, that snapple was gone. No telling how much the person drank, however, the company received a phone call that one of their night crew members died during his sleep that day. The guy was in perfect health and was 30 years old. Of course, we never heard what the cause of death was, aside from the obit that didn't elaborate. The guy who died was who most people thought was stealing the snapple, ironically enough.

Nobody ever touched the guys snapple again...

Use chocolate Ex-Lax as the chocolate chips in a cookie.

My dad did it to an asshole at work about 25 years ago.

I filled a wine bottle with soya sauce once and left it out for a roommate who thought all the booze in the world was his. Watching him spontaneously vomit was better than any hollywood movie, but it also made me realize that sometimes revenge is not best eaten cold, in fact, best not eaten at all, but watched from a safe and sanitary distance.

Then there was the case of the lout who exited my kitchen and announced that he'd helped himself to my acetaminophen.
ME: The bottle above the sink? You're joking, right?
LOUT: Fuck, what was it?
ME: Plant food - it's got nitrogen in it. If you don't throw those pills up before they dissolve you'll need surgery to repair the holes in your intestines.
LOUT: (Looking scared.) What should I do?
ME: Go to the bathroom and stick your fingers down your throat.

Lout spends five minutes gagging in the bathroom, then comes back, pale and shaking.

ME: (All concern.) Any luck?
LOUT: (Desperate.) I can't do it.
ME: Okay, don't worry. We need to make you an emetic.

Everyone moves into the kitchen as I rummage through cupboards and fridge.

ME: olive oil...dijon mustard...vinegar...milk...fish sauce...worcestershire sauce...soya sauce...mint sauce...lemon juice...ketchup...mayonnaise...egg white...(sotto voce) this should prove...effective....

Lout takes the emetic into the bathroom. Ten seconds later my toilet plays Pompeii to his Vesuvius. Those in the livingroom are having their own catharsis - silent, painful laughter. The lout emerges after ten minutes of puking, cleaning up his mess and splashing his face with cold water. There are tears in his eyes and his cheeks are scarlet with petechia.

LOUT: They came out.
ME: Good - did they still have the coating on them?
LOUT: Coating?
ME: Yeah - the red coating.
LOUT: They didn't have a red coating. They were white.
ME: OH! Did you mean the bottle on the windowsill? Thank god, everything's okay then - those are acetaminophen....

Last edited by WilberCuntLicker (2008-09-20 16:26:54)

WilberCuntLicker wrote:

I filled a wine bottle with soya sauce once and left it out for a roommate who thought all the booze in the world was his. Watching him spontaneously vomit was better than any hollywood movie, but it also made me realize that sometimes revenge is not best eaten cold, in fact, best not eaten at all, but watched from a safe and sanitary distance.

Then there was the case of the lout who exited my kitchen and announced that he'd helped himself to my acetaminophen.
ME: The bottle above the sink? You're joking, right?
LOUT: Fuck, what was it?
ME: Plant food - it's got nitrogen in it. If you don't throw those pills up before they dissolve you'll need surgery to repair the holes in your intestines.
LOUT: (Looking scared.) What should I do?
ME: Go to the bathroom and stick your fingers down your throat.

Lout spends five minutes gagging in the bathroom, then comes back, pale and shaking.

ME: (All concern.) Any luck?
LOUT: (Desperate.) I can't do it.
ME: Okay, don't worry. We need to make you an emetic.

Everyone moves into the kitchen as I rummage through cupboards and fridge.

ME: olive oil...dijon mustard...vinegar...milk...fish sauce...worcestershire sauce...soya sauce...mint sauce...lemon juice...ketchup...mayonnaise...egg white...(sotto voce) this should prove...effective....

Lout takes the emetic into the bathroom. Ten seconds later my toilet plays Pompeii to his Vesuvius. Those in the livingroom are having their own catharsis - silent, painful laughter. The lout emerges after ten minutes of puking, cleaning up his mess and splashing his face with cold water. There are tears in his eyes and his cheeks are scarlet with petechia.

LOUT: They came out.
ME: Good - did they still have the coating on them?
LOUT: Coating?
ME: Yeah - the red coating.
LOUT: They didn't have a red coating. They were white.
ME: OH! Did you mean the bottle on the windowsill? Thank god, everything's okay then - those are acetaminophen....

Now that is truly funny.  Thanks Wilburina!

tojo2000 wrote:

I hear in Canada the sandwiches come in bags.

Wow!  Now that's progress.  Hey, what's gray and comes in quarts?















An elephant.

GooberMcNutly wrote:

Jeeze, I feel like a lightweight. All I did was make a nice little turkey sandwich with turkey, lettuce, tomato and a good smear of cold cream and Preparation H for the "mayo" and it was gone within 3 days. I never did find out who did it.

And about two years ago I had a gas can get stolen from the top of my roofrack. I bought another and within a week it got stolen too. So the next one I bought, filled with gas and put about 4 cups of sugar in it, shook it up really well and parked it on the roof rack. Within a week it was gone too. I hope it blew up what ever they put that gas in.

Sugar isn't the best thing for doping gas:

http://www.snopes.com/autos/grace/sugar.asp

Water.  Bleach.  Sand in the oil.

Yes, sand in the oil is the very best for killing a motor.  As far as the gas goes, sand works well there, too, but the best is something that will mix with the petrol and also foul the fuel system, particularly the small ports in the carburettor or the injector nozzles.  Liquid rubber cement works nicely for that.

Last edited by whosasailorthen (2008-09-21 21:10:50)

Thanks for the help guys! :)

I am so excited to run right out and give it a try i can barely contain myself, but I think it would be wise if I wait till night falls.

I knew there would be a practical use for that half gallon of rubber cement that has been in the garage for years

whosasailorthen wrote:

Yes, sand in the oil is the very best for killing a motor.  As far as the gas goes, sand works well there, too, but the best is something that will mix with the petrol and also foul the fuel system, particularly the small ports in the carburettor or the injector nozzles.  Liquid rubber cement works nicely for that.

Never tried that, I'd have guessed it would clog the filter before clogging the injectors.  Nitromethane might be interesting, if you put in enough.  It might be very interesting, if you put in too much or added some hydrazine.  I forget, were we trying to destroy the engine or the driver?

Whatever happened to dumping a mixture of diced fish and milk on the floorboard?  It's easy to clean up initially, but the smell will come back every warm day until all the carpeting is pulled up and replaced....

whosasailorthen wrote:

Umm... nix on the hydrazine, hedgie.  If you add that stuff to the gasoline you won't be able to run fast enough... as soon as it hits that gas you'll hear a loud "WOOSH", and that, grasshopper, is the very last thing you will ever hear.  The fire department will take an hour or so to peel what's left of you out of the remains of the car.  But hey, if you do try it, please set up a video camera and have a friend post the footage.   

Of course, you could go the simple route.  Just add water.  Lots of it.  It will take tons of work to get it all out of the system.

Water was my first suggestion.  It's cheap, easy to obtain, easy to transport, safe and no officer of the law would question you for wandering around with it.  On high compression (diesel) engines it can ruin the injectors.  For a gas powered car, without a water separator, I'd guess a gallon would more than do it.  For dangerous stuff balloons make a wonderful delivery system.  Kinda like the days when you could put golf balls in the tank.  They were a great delivery system for clogging things up in the tank.  As for smell, fox urine and a large hypodermic to get it right where you want it without opening the car.  It won't annoy the poor bastard who buys it from a used car lot later.

jesusluvspegging wrote:

Johnny_Rotten wrote:

hedgewizard wrote:

Sugar isn't the best thing for doping gas:

http://www.snopes.com/autos/grace/sugar.asp

Ah so, this raises the question of what is the best dope for gas?

Powdered polystyrene and benzene would, I believe, be the traditional method.

Agree - and a cheap way is just doing what we used to do in high school - crumble up Styrofoam cups in petrol... makes a lovely napalm-like product... in a Molotov it is absolutely splendid, in that it not only burns nicely but also sticks tenaciously to virtually anything it hits.

{disclaimer}Don't try this at home, boys and girls.  Much.{/disclaimer}

Last edited by whosasailorthen (2008-09-22 14:18:55)

About 15 years ago I was a driller underground in a copper mine . Every day our foreman would come down to check on us and be a pest in general...and while he was there he would rummage through our lunch boxes and steal our desserts...be it donuts tarts cookies etc .(which under the mines act is an offence because ones lunch box is considered personal property and is a punishable offence) Well.. one day my partner brought some nice jelly busters with him...as soon as we arrived at the drill he gently sqeezed out the lemon filling and proceeded to fill them with grease from the grease gun. When the boss arrived later in the day..he did his rounds of the drill station and then went straight for the lunch kits...grabbed a nice powdered sugar coated buster and bit into it....not a word was said....he just walked briskly to his truck and left...we spent the next five hours bustin our asses laughing.

Of course, you could just drain the oil out and disconnect the oil warning light wire.  BTDT.

If we're talking tricks with difficult logistics, I wonder what replacing someone's coolant with gasoline would do?

whosasailorthen wrote:

jesusluvspegging wrote:

If we're talking tricks with difficult logistics, I wonder what replacing someone's coolant with gasoline would do?

Nothing much. It would just boil off faster, and the temp gauge would give it away.

Isn't there an overpressure release on the radiator?  Wouldn't your engine compartment fill with vaporized gasoline?

Of course, at cruising speed the fumes will be pulled out of there too fast to build to any kind of dangerous levels, probably.  Sitting in traffic on a hot day, though, I suppose it's possible (though unlikely) that a spark in the alternator core or something would set it off.

whosasailorthen wrote:

jesusluvspegging wrote:

If we're talking tricks with difficult logistics, I wonder what replacing someone's coolant with gasoline would do?

Nothing much. It would just boil off faster, and the temp gauge would give it away.

As to the castor bean oil, you'd smell that stuff long before the motor failed.

If you need to be quick, just dump some sand into the oil fill.  If you want absolute catastrophic failure, drain the oil and cut the oil sender line.  Works very nicely - the engine bits get nice and blue before they fail.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think machine grade castor oil has any smell. Plus wouldn't any odor generated heating  be passed into the airintake by the emiisions control valves? It would lubricate as normal for a time, it was a WWI aircraft engine oil after all, but eventually it would fail as it turned to a non-lubricating gummy substance in every nook and crany.

whosasailorthen wrote:

Yes, sand in the oil is the very best for killing a motor.  As far as the gas goes, sand works well there, too, but the best is something that will mix with the petrol and also foul the fuel system, particularly the small ports in the carburettor or the injector nozzles.  Liquid rubber cement works nicely for that.

Styrofoam peanuts or beans from a beanbag chair. You can funnel the beans in pretty quickly.

MSG Tripps wrote:

WilberCuntLicker wrote:

mixed it with a half bag of silicon carbide grit

Some people might say you should be outed and/or offed for that.  I say fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.




just saying
http://b.imagehost.org/0997/checks00.jpg

I knew full well that fucking with a bike was a capital offence, but the daily noise was really pissing me off and the guy in question had been rude to my girlfriend. In those days, being rude to my girlfriend was about the worst thing you could do to me, and beyond the noise pollution I wanted revenge. The fact that he was a gang member did enter into the equation - it made me extra careful.

I'd already had one run-in with bikers, and it wasn't fun. I'd pissed off a few members of a Kelowna gang and found myself alone, surrounded, and up shit creek. I'm not going into details on this one...but if it hadn't been for one good-hearted biker I probably wouldn't have the pretty face I have today. I still remember the guy's face...and name...he was a fat hairy human being in an organization dedicated to crime, violence and intimidation, but somehow he still had a heart. Maybe that's normal - I know nothing about bikers beyond the mythology.

I think the old school concept of the gang biker is almost dead...  Most of the bikers I see these days are upper middle class income douchebags tryin' to be badass....

Dirckman wrote:

I think the old school concept of the gang biker is almost dead...  Most of the bikers I see these days are upper middle class income douchebags tryin' to be badass....

You may be right, I'm no expert, but the Angels are still pretty big here in BC...huge pot growers...drug importers...there are still wars and hits...I wouldn't exactly call them upper middle class douchebags...well...not if they were listening.

Johnny_Rotten wrote:

it was a WWI aircraft engine oil after all.

The original reason for a pilot to wear a scarf:  To wipe the castor oil off the goggles, and to cover the mouth so the pilot wouldn't suffer the laxative effects of oil ingestion.