What a great idea for a new topic!

Auto-edited on 2020-08-02 to update URLs

sofaking wrote:

Dude, I concede. Great minds think alike.

Dirkman bared all for his viewers...

In real life, I make websites for seriously whacked-out people. I have done ones for fake snuff porn, a boiler-room OTCBB stock scam, a swing club, a methed-out "amateur archaeolgist" millionheir who thought hisr estate was swimming with "fossils", you name it. I have brought a lot of this misery upon myself by advertising on some pretty dubious sites. A couple of you have seen one of my ads, and can vouch for the cheese factor. If a web developer job asks if you'll consider nudity, it's probably not gonna work out well.

I had a dinner meeting planned with a relatively new client at N9ne (nine) steakhouse at The Palms. He had seemed pretty normal at his office (he owned a real estate company, but was aspiring to be an Internet Pornographer). I was pretty excited, considering I had stuff to show him (and I was hopped up on goofballs).

By the time I met him, he had too much to drink. He was a lecherous fucking pig. I love a suggestive joke, but he was making me feel like one of the hookers he was thinking he was gonna get for free once he became an eGuido. It became so bad, I quietly ordered their $69.00 margarita, and when it arrived, I took a big old sip of it, grabbed the candy swizzle thingy, and poured the rest of it in his lap.  He was too fucked up to respond quickly, and I had purposely ordered that expensive drink so he couldn't come chase me through the casino.

I took that opportunity to key the FUUUUUUUCK outta his beautiful car while I chewed the candy swizzle and called Mr. Sofie. In front of the cameras in the parking garage.

I never got in trouble for it. Maybe he knew he had it coming.

I once was fishing on Lake George (FL, not NY) with 2 friends.  We came across a islet that was basically just a tree sticking out of the water.  The two more evil of us persuaded the dorky one to climb the tree so we could get a picture.  We took the picture, then took off, leaving him clinging in that tree for about a half hour.  He was only 200 yards from shore and probably could have swam it but for the gators. 

We thought it was a lot funnier than he did.

I'm a raging alcoholic who is over-paid for what I do....  What is it I do?  I browse the internet and drive around over four different states doing nothing but giving my opinion on things.  I haven't done any real work for almost two years now and the company pays for all of my lodging, food and gas....  I've taken this opportunity to get multiple girlfriends along the way...  Dirckman has fucked eleven different women between the ages of 20 and 25 over the last year.  Yesterday I had three different dates....  I started out in the morning with Jessica a twenty year old blonde, then moved on to Cindy, a twenty two year old brunette at one O'clock.  Cindy gave me two blowjobs that made me late for my last date with Candace...  Candace is a twenty five year old that I've been messing around with for the last nine months or so.....  I got shitfaced on some Johnnie Walker Black Label with Candace and passed out half naked with her on the couch....  I've been sleeping around with married women, women with boyfriends, and women far too young for me....  I'm emotionally abusive to them and quite frankly I'm a mysogonist..... It seems that all I do anymore is nothing but take extravagant vacations and rip people new assholes.  I'm not giving any details here, but thank goodness for legalized abortions!!!!  Anyhow, I've got enough money in the bank account now that I don't have to work for two years or so if I quit my job today.....   All I have to say about it all is God bless the USA!!!  I fucking love a country where a person like me can live without being stoned on the outskirts of town!!!!

WankerMan wrote:

I'm a raging alcoholic who is over-paid for what I do....  What is it I do?  I browse the internet and drive around over four different states doing nothing but giving my opinion on things....

So, I guess you and Cherry Vanilla won't be getting married???

Some steaming pantload blocked in my car at a Red Rocks concert in Colorado 30 years ago. It was already 2am and I started work at six. I dented my car and his getting out, then left a note on his windshield that read, "Dear Shitforbrains. I regret to inform you I bent your license plate into the shape of a funnel to dump five pounds of sugar into your gas tank." I sprinkled a restaurant sugar packet on the tag for authenticity.

New York Jew wrote:

I snuck up on RT one night when she was sleeping and gently tongued her gaping anus.

I was wondering why my asshole was so itchy a few months back.

Did you savor the ooze?

I made up the stories about the yellow cake and aluminum tubes.  I wrapped the enigma in the conundrum.  I shot Liberty Valance and the sheriff.  I am the brain police. 

I think Moby is interesting and that the Department of Peace will make a big difference.

The houses in the neighborhood we live in are 15 foot apart.  We practice the bagpipes every morning between 7 and 7:30 A.M.  My neighbors haven't spoken to me in months, life is good.

Zookeeper wrote:

New York Jew wrote:

I snuck up on RT one night when she was sleeping and gently tongued her gaping anus.

That couldn't have been kosher...

I don't recall any specific ban on buttcheese in the Shulchan Aruch.

Just a little extra tam in your love life, no?

New York Jew wrote:

If you all really must know - RT's butt ooze is best described as a brownish green version of the gelatinous goop that surrounds jarred gefilte fish, but the odor and taste is more like Dirckman's smegma, if we are to believe what Cherry once related to me in a quiet, private moment.

I can not attest to Dirckman's smegtaste myself, of course.

from what I recall of the photo, the Dirckman has had his foreskin removed.  Where, then, would the smegma collect?

Roger_That wrote:

Under his balls, near his Taint.

Ew.  Really wish I hadn't asked.

My neighbors had a big mean black lab. One time it got loose and came to my house and bit me on the leg. I shot it to death and threw it in the woods.

Two days later there were missing dog posters all over town, ads in the paper and all.

3 months later, I drive past there house and they have another black lab and the newspaper was there also.

Headline: Missing dog returns after 3 months.(not thier original dog)

I hate these people so I went and got the dead rotting carcass of the real dog complete with its collar and tags and put it on thier porch that night with a suicide note from it saying " I couldn't live with you fuckers anymore, but I'm your real dog."

Police were around alot for a while but it all worked out.

I pull up a bit of skin over the tip and tie it off with a rubberband.....  Great for collecting smegma....

http://www.smegma.ca/

I made a ~13 year old piss himself by firing a rather large firearm in his general direction (over his head)

orangeplus wrote:

I made a ~13 year old piss himself by firing a rather large firearm in his general direction (over his head)

I have made half of my zipcode run in fear when I fired my large gaseous firearm in their general direction...

Those close to me have named such anal infarctions "Death & Dismemberment"...

I had a schizophrenic neighbor a few years ago that I used to torment to get even with her for all the grief she caused me and the rest of her neighbors.  I would burn sage under her windows to cause her to have asthma attacks.  I had vampire teeth inserts that I would flash at her to freak her out.  Every time she obtained a puppy or kitten I would call animal control to remove it, which they did because she was unable to housetrain them.  One time I told her she was a just a trash can for unwanted sperm and that she might as well kill herself because her life couldn’t possible be worth living.  That remark rattled her cage for at least a week; she told the neighbors that having sex with the homeless didn’t make her a whore and that I shouldn’t encourage her to do something she might regret.  She also called the police at least 10 times to complain about that remark.  By this time, she had called the police so many times they basically ignored her and I denied it when they finally got around to asking me about it.

Zookeeper wrote:

By the way fnord 'ol chum.  What race was she?

She was white.  While she harassed all the neighbors, I was one of the ones she was especially fixated on.  Her parents owned the condo above mine; it was their way of keeping her off the streets.  The parents eventually moved her out and sold the condo; they had to do major repairs before they could put it on the market.  I couldn’t have sold my condo if she had still been living there when I moved.

For all you dog lovers, here is my confession.

Our clueless neighbors had a stupid bitch that barked constantly when they were gone.  When the dog had a huge litter of pups, it became barking and whining 24/7.  One night when the neighbors were out and I was in a drunken rage I drove my pickup up to their porch and threw the dog and the pups in the back.  I took them out in the hills where I humanely dispatched each one.  I slept well that night.

Two days later their little girl came to tell me that Molly had run off.
Me:  Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Her:  Yeah, and she took her puppies with her.
Me:  That's terrible, you must miss them.
Her:  Yeah, she took her puppies, all but one.
Me:  WHAT?

I have one lined up that I will go ahead and share. 

This family moved in next door to me and their five year old daughter is always in my yard and will come up to the windows in the front of my house and look inside. 

She is so annoying that when I move, I am currently in the market for new home, I am going to go over to her as I am about to leave the house for the last time and tell her I moved because of her.

Last edited by scsotdc (2007-10-23 17:58:58)

I described this at cruel more than once but I repeat it here again as a public service. An immediate neighbor hung large, wooden wind chimes only feet from my bedroom window, which I endured as long as possible. Late one night, I secured them with 30 feet of monofilament fishing line to the rear axle of her car. Quiet, blissful rest ensued.

Disclaimer: This took place years ago in Des Moines, Iowa and I've long since reformed my evil ways.

choad wrote:

I described this at cruel more than once but I repeat it here again as a public service. An immediate neighbor hung large, wooden wind chimes only feet from my bedroom window, which I endured as long as possible. Late one night, I secured them with 30 feet of monofilament fishing line to the rear axle of her car. Quiet, blissful rest ensued.

Man oh man - my mother would select the largest, loudest windchimes she could find and hang them on our front & back porches.  I believe this was in retribution for her having to listen to the neighbor's "goddamned barking dogs and maladroit offspring."  After a set went missing, she strung multiple fish hooks on fishing line in each and every one, and our nights continued to be a cacaphony of clongs and dings.

sofaking wrote:

I thought you loved little girls, Scotty....

She's fat.