This site?

Isn't that where all the furries hang out?

MSG Tripps wrote:

Or worse.

You don't mean... High-Streeters?!?

If she can figure out who they are, you can try what worked for me a few years ago when my daughter was getting harassed by three teenage guys.  They were using email for the most part.  Once she figured out who one of them was, I called the kid's mother and said I had to see her. her husband and son face-to-face at their home, with a brief description of what had transpired.  When I met with them, I brought copies of the offending postings.  I simply told them that ALL harassment and communication with my daughter, and ALL communication about my daughter, would have to cease immediately or else I would involve every bit of law enforcement and civil litigation conceivable.  Other conditions included that there could be not even a hint of retaliation against my daughter, and the boy would give me the name and address of every other kid involved.  In addition, the parents would have to persuade me, right then and there, that they would impose convincing punishment of their son and give me their personal commitment to follow through.  I pretty much had a complete plan when I met with them. 

I have to say that the parents and the boy responded quite genuinely and honestly.  They were appalled at their son's behavior.  (In fact, it turned out that the kid ended up being a silent protector for my daughter thereafter.)  The same was basically true for the next family.  The third family went a little differently,  The father, who happened to be a high official in the Bush administration, played his cards very close to the vest, stupidly suggesting that the email may have been somehow forged, blaming the other boys, etc.  I took an aggressive line with him, and told him that he needed to cut out the bullshit or I would go directly to the police, his ISP, school officials etc.  He went silent pretty much, but his wife confronted the boy and convinced me that she would be on his case.  I tried to give the impression, without putting it in so many words, that there would be significant pain and suffering in their lives if they failed to put an end to the problem.   

There was never another hint of harassment after that.

Fled wrote:

If she can figure out who they are, you can try what worked for me a few years ago when my daughter was getting harassed by three teenage guys.  They were using email for the most part.  Once she figured out who one of them was, I called the kid's mother and said I had to see her. her husband and son face-to-face at their home, with a brief description of what had transpired.  When I met with them, I brought copies of the offending postings.  I simply told them that ALL harassment and communication with my daughter, and ALL communication about my daughter, would have to cease immediately or else I would involve every bit of law enforcement and civil litigation conceivable.  Other conditions included that there could be not even a hint of retaliation against my daughter, and the boy would give me the name and address of every other kid involved.  In addition, the parents would have to persuade me, right then and there, that they would impose convincing punishment of their son and give me their personal commitment to follow through.  I pretty much had a complete plan when I met with them. 

I have to say that the parents and the boy responded quite genuinely and honestly.  They were appalled at their son's behavior.  (In fact, it turned out that the kid ended up being a silent protector for my daughter thereafter.)  The same was basically true for the next family.  The third family went a little differently,  The father, who happened to be a high official in the Bush administration, played his cards very close to the vest, stupidly suggesting that the email may have been somehow forged, blaming the other boys, etc.  I took an aggressive line with him, and told him that he needed to cut out the bullshit or I would go directly to the police, his ISP, school officials etc.  He went silent pretty much, but his wife confronted the boy and convinced me that she would be on his case.  I tried to give the impression, without putting it in so many words, that there would be significant pain and suffering in their lives if they failed to put an end to the problem.   

There was never another hint of harassment after that.

Good plan - I like that.

GooberMcNutly wrote:

Your daughter is 16 and you are still fighting her fights for her? Do you have a plan on when she will be allowed to grow up and cross the street on her own?

Actually she's not in favor of any of this, but the consensus amongst the adults is that these individual(s) are most likely harrassing other kids; kids who might not be as strong as she is.

See Goob, when you reach maturity you begin to consider the full picture; you'll understand some day.

Aren’t y’all worried about reprisals?  Maybe things have changed, but involving parents usually increased the harassment.



Auto-edited on 2020-08-02 to update URLs

As my parents were even less capable of navigating the morass of school mores than me, involving them would have only resulted in more beatings.  Your daughters actually told you they were being bullied, and your parental intervention was beneficial?  Now that’s fucking progress!

Emmeran wrote:

GooberMcNutly wrote:

Your daughter is 16 and you are still fighting her fights for her? Do you have a plan on when she will be allowed to grow up and cross the street on her own?

Actually she's not in favor of any of this, but the consensus amongst the adults is that these individual(s) are most likely harrassing other kids; kids who might not be as strong as she is.

See Goob, when you reach maturity you begin to consider the full picture; you'll understand some day.

The "full picture" the way I see it is that you are planning on taking actions against your daughters wishes to pursue some kind of legal action against people who are picking on her on a website that, you have to admit, is for mature audiences. So you consider your daughter mature enough to visit any website she wants, but not mature enough to handle it when someone is harassing her online? 

And Fled's story is so full or rich, hypocritical behavior it's almost ironic.

Fled wrote:

I would involve every bit of law enforcement and civil litigation conceivable...

...the parents would have to persuade me, right then and there, that they would impose convincing punishment...

So when someone threatens your offspring, you teach them that the correct way to behave is to threaten other people? And not even threaten them yourselves, but hire a lawyer to threaten them on your behalf. Then you have the audacity to require that they impose a punishment that is acceptable to you?

Em, like you probably do, I go through life wishing that there aren't assholes around. But when you encounter one, is the lesson that you want to teach your daughter is that someone else should jump in and take care of things for you? Will the first bully she deals with directly be the one harassing her daughter some day?

I am sure a couple of terse words from your daughter and her friends to the kids who are harassing her would put this issue to rest. Kids are full of words and bullies have always existed. Give your daughter the tools to fight her own fights and you will make her a strong, confident woman. Or fight her fights for her and hope she doesn't end up with some husband, boss, acquaintance or coworker who will take advantage of her inability to defend herself.

Emmeran wrote:

Goob, your assumptions are completely out of line; the situation was brought to my attention by another parent.  My daughter has taken all of the actions possible within the context of the web site and the type of harrassment has evolved into a situation that require a firm response.

So yes, my lawyer will contact the web site - we will get the IP address(es) and we will get the attention of the individuals involved.  We have a Penal code and a Civil code for a reason and a wise man doesn't wait around to see if things will get better on their own.

This is serious business and I'm honestly not the least bit interested in having a law named after my daughter.

Yes indeedy.  I stepped back, and tried to let my son sort out tormentors in grade school, and then found out that the after day care were letting them smack him around, "We thought it would settle out eventually". Well, I pulled him from the program, and put him into martial arts classes when the situation started to repeat in middle school.  That took care of so much.  He hasn't had any problems since.  He exudes confidence, and is well integrated in his life and studies.

With that said, at least we knew who the assholes were.  Online, well that is a different matter, and you don't know what direction things will be coming from next.    I think all of what I am reading above Em is very appropriate.

Goob, do you have kids?

Cherry Vanilla wrote:

Goob, do you have kids?

Yes, I have a 7 year old daughter. And she has been picked on by other kids in her class. She was just pushed down at recess on Friday. But I refuse to make a big deal about it as it's usually handled by the kids themselves. We council her that the best way to deal with it is to tell the person that such behavior is a) being a big, mean bully, something nobody should want to be and b) that the next time it happens, they better expect to get kicked hard in the shins (she IS 7). So far that advice has put many of these juvenile actions to bed. Once any bully knows that you will fight back, but without the publicity that gives them the attention they so desperately desire, they usually go shopping elsewhere.

If there was something seriously physical or very long running, I would probably notify the other parents with a quick phone call or a note. I wouldn't go making demands or threatening legal action. I figure if the parents gave a shit (the "good" 75% of parents) then the problem is solved. If they don't give a shit, what is yelling at them going to do?

More than anything, look at it from your daughters perspective. You are robbing her of her dignity in the eyes of her peers, giving the bullies the attention and behavioral reinforcement they crave and all probably for nothing. If they stop, they got the rise out of you that they wanted. If they don't, your words are just hot air.

Every parent has a different approach to parenting. I look at my role in raising my daughter as giving her the skills she needs to survive and thrive in life. She may be mine for 14 or 15 years, but she will need to deal with the worlds assholes for the next 60. If I fought her battles for her now, when they are small and easily won, when will she become prepared to take on bigger, nastier pricks?

Spend your time counseling your daughter on the right way to face bullies, teasing and threats. Give her the benefit of your years of experience and teach her all of the dirty tricks to resort to when the going gets tough. You can provide the armor and weapons, but she must fight her own battles. I don't doubt that you love your daughter, as I love mine, but take a long view of the consequences of your actions.

School Yards are different than the net.  I learned a similar way that Woggah mentions.  When I told the school (oh yes they wanted in on the whole ball of wax) that I was giving my kid permission to fight back they told me  "Oh you musn't do that"!

kim wrote:

I think you should ask your daughter what she wants to do about these assholes herself.

Not much she can do and while she has no problem ignoring them at this point everyone else feels that this needs to be stopped now that it has met the penal code criteria and before it becomes physically dangerous.

This isn't about a 7 yr old on the play ground, we've dealt with all of that already.

If they are threatening violence, or your daughter fears of violence, I think you have to get involved or involve law enforcement.  I don't know how you could stay out of it.  All the talk about how a kid should stand up for herself, or may fear of reprisal, will be meaningless if she gets hurt or worse.  Indeed, it may be simply impossible for her to stand up for herself effectively if a group of guys is involved.

I say kill them all and let god(TM) sort them out.