#1 2008-04-12 18:31:18
I received a call late last Wednesday night, and the breathy voice on the other end informed me "it is time... you better get down here." They hung up before I could respond. I knew right away what this was, so I grabbed my copy of Other World Healing by Happy Traumm and I called the taxi service. I have not been allowed to drive since I killed that pedestrian.
The cab driver was a rough caricature of a Turkish baker; small and dark with a three-day's stubble and reeking of garlic and sweat. I told him to drive me to the small airstrip at McKeesport, and to drive at top speed. The fact that he asked nothing about my destination- every man in this stinking excuse for a half-sized city know the airstrip has been abandoned for twenty years- immediately began catalyzing the wave of paranoia I knew would not stop until some horribly violent act had occurred. I ate three darvocet and tried to forget it, but when you have survived as long as I have by embracing your paranoid feelings, you cannot simply shut them off and ignore them. They are not simply a part of you, they are you.
He dropped me off an hour later, and took off again before I could pay him. I heard the helicopter about a half-mile out, but something was wrong. The sound was of a much larger bird than I had been expecting. I took my Markarov CZ out of its holster, and clicked off the safety. The paranoia was fighting its way past the painkillers, but I knew that this was a survival instinct. I could eat three straight grams of morphine at this point and remain on edge.
This was not my helicopter, or at least I thought at first. It was a design I wasn't familiar with, about forty feet long with stabilizer wings, and no lights. In the moonlight I could see it was painted dark brown, and had no markings.
It winded down its engine, which relaxed me a bit. Had the pilot kept it spun up, they would be looking to make a quick getaway- either directly after killing me, or after capturing me. I still could not ignore my instinct, and pointed the Markarov at the door. I shouted some gibberish at them- no need to identify myself as even American, here- and a loudspeaker crackled to life from the bird.
"MISTER DUKE? PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON. THIS IS KELSEY. I'M COMING OUT."
Oh, fuck...
I hadn't seen this man since I ripped him off for three grand on a bet I was to place for him at the Pocono Downs racetrack. Well, fuck him then and fuck him now. There is not much you can do when the Alabama Wild motorcycle gang knows you tossed the bag when you got pulled over in Maryland. You pay them, or you find the bag, sell the contents, and then pay them. Even Kelsey knows they like to sodomize before they kill. His loss saved my ass in more than one way, and he knew that. It was eight years ago, anyway.
The door slid open on the bird. Out he stepped, smiling, waving, gripping a radio, and wearing a rainbow-colored flight jacket with the letters "ANCALIMA" across the right breast. "Jesus Christ, are you hard to find. Got the book?"
Before I could get past the word "yes" a .308 was fired far enough away so that I didn't hear the shot before I fell. It pierced my right shoulder blade and went through my lung, exiting in a spray of internal fluids through the front of my chest. The possibility of forgiveness from an old betrayed friend had caused me to ignore my most basic instincts, and I paid the price. I slipped away just after I heard Kelsey laugh and say "the woods are darkest with bear after the fire."
I woke three weeks later in a hospital where none of the staff spoke English. It sounds like Polish, but I have never been to Eastern Europe. I was shackled to my bed, but not under guard. As soon as I woke they sedated me, or so they thought. I suppose they gave me enough morphine to put an average man out, but it’s apparent they don’t know that I mix that goddamned stuff with my orange juice in the morning. I feigned sleep until late into the night, and made my move. The old copper pipe I was chained to gave easily from the wall, and the door was not locked. The hall was without doors but for mine, and it traveled in a circle- there seemed, literally, to be no way out. There was, however, an old computer on a standing desk near a small window.
It has internet access.
It also has some kind of strange filter, and when I accessed it, I could only get to two web pages. One was a Polish site with dancing teenage boys, and the other was high-street.org.
…and here I find all of you, still going at it like it was last year. How the fuck is everyone?
Offline
#2 2008-04-12 18:58:43
oh, so now we're getting shaggy dog stories?
Offline
#3 2008-04-12 19:09:05
darvocet? Calling Sophie!
Offline
#4 2008-04-12 19:17:07
Lurker wrote:
oh, so now we're getting shaggy dog stories?
You're getting the bargain basement section of my short story files on my D: drive.
I just found this link in my old "favorites" folder, and wondered what the fuck it was. I then remembered that this was Cruel's leftovers, and wondered who was still around.
Here, have a funny photo. Bitches love funny photos.
Offline
#5 2008-04-12 19:27:43
Yes, here we still are, most of us. And we miss you. Stop by more often.
P.S. That photo? Is a hat, believe it or not. I think it's somewhere on the "NSFW Picture Thread!" thread.
Last edited by George Orr (2008-04-12 19:28:27)
Offline
#6 2008-04-12 19:36:49
Well, George, this one is new, It illustrates what R.D. has been up to...
He's been playing nice with Horsey...
Offline
#7 2008-04-12 19:42:12
George Orr wrote:
Yes, here we still are, most of us. And we miss you. Stop by more often.
P.S. That photo? Is a hat, believe it or not. I think it's somewhere on the "NSFW Picture Thread!" thread.
Good god. You have that photo here? At least you're all keeping up the good work.
And hello to you too, GO.
Here, let me try again. 
Last edited by raoul.duke (2008-04-12 19:43:13)
Offline
#8 2008-04-12 19:53:27
Lurker wrote:
Well, George, this one is new, It illustrates what R.D. has been up to...
He's been playing nice with Horsey...
Horse is still around?
Now I'm disappointed in you guys again.
Offline
#9 2008-04-12 19:57:09
Ah, if it isn't our favorite punctuated pal posting prose of paranoia, purloined contraband, and pulmonary penetration. Welcome!
Offline
#10 2008-04-12 19:57:13
raoul.duke wrote:
Horse is still around?
Now I'm disappointed in you guys again.
Lurker is just being a bitch.
The Equine is (as far as I know) the only person in the fucking universe offensive enough to be banned from High-Street. And he is.
Offline
#11 2008-04-12 20:09:05
George Orr wrote:
Lurker is just being a bitch.
WELL! I never....no more nasty pics for you George!
Last edited by Lurker (2008-04-12 20:09:35)
Offline
#12 2008-04-12 22:06:27
raoul.duke wrote:
This was not my helicopter
I hate when that happens.
Welcome back Raoul. No, horse doesn't haunt the premises, but I see you've met Lurker. He's the gayer duller horse.
Offline
#13 2008-04-12 22:09:37
opsec wrote:
raoul.duke wrote:
This was not my helicopter
I hate when that happens.
Welcome back Raoul. No, horse doesn't haunt the premises, but I see you've met Lurker. He's the gayer duller horse.
Sort of a My Little Pony.
Offline
#14 2008-04-12 23:11:21
Aw, shucks...
Offline
#15 2008-04-12 23:40:05
Lurker, that would have been a good line to cue the Apocalypse Ponies...
Last edited by George Orr (2008-04-12 23:40:23)
Offline
#16 2008-04-13 22:21:38
George Orr wrote:
Lurker, that would have been a good line to cue the Apocalypse Ponies...
Possibly, but I already wasted too much time on Raoul Puke.
I also never watched that video....still haven't...
Offline
#18 2008-04-14 07:29:04
Mr. Cade -
I tried to locate you in time but when we finally found the asylum, all we found was a pile of hog maw and a note saying you'd gone out for coffee and saying I should check out the other white meat. Perhaps Klamm will deign to arrange an audience for me.
Waiting impatiently,
K.
Offline
#19 2008-04-14 18:43:38
MSG Tripps wrote:
Hey raoul.duke, how are you doing?
Very badly burned.
On the downside, eleven second degree burns to my left hand.
On the upside, vicodin.
Offline
#20 2008-04-14 18:56:57
raoul.duke wrote:
Very badly burned...eleven second degree burns to my left hand.
We require the full story--preferably gonzo style, but if you're feeling the pain and/or the Vicodin a really lot, just the fax will do.
Begin.
Offline
#21 2008-04-14 19:23:18
George Orr wrote:
raoul.duke wrote:
Very badly burned...eleven second degree burns to my left hand.
We require the full story--preferably gonzo style, but if you're feeling the pain and/or the Vicodin a really lot, just the fax will do.
Yeah, damn it, we demand ballistics. Fat Wang off way too fucking easy.
Someone from this asylum will pop our Smoking Gun cherry eventually.
Offline
#22 2008-04-14 19:35:26
very badly burned...
mmkay, I'm trying reeaaal hard not to laugh...
Offline
#23 2008-04-14 22:33:27
A wok station has water flowing over it at all times due to the mess and intense heat it must deal with. I was cooking a simple batch of sweet and sour sauce, and had set the pan- a metal buffet pan- next to my wok while I waited for the sauce to boil. I worked on another dish while it heated. It sat for about ten minutes.
Meanwhile, the water had floated the light pan into thew flame from the wok station. When I picked up the wok, and turned off the flame, I didn't notice where it was. I gripped it, hard. It was probably between 600 and 700 degrees.
Steam and smoke. I was wearing a vinyl glove- and every cook knows you remove the glove during a burn, because the hot substance is usually on it- except the glove had melted to my hand.
I removed a good layer of skin with the glove. My hand looked like the guy in Robocop who got hit with the vat of acid.
So, I have eleven burns and a very raw hand. You were maybe expecting something explosive related here, but it's just a work-related accident.
...and before you wonder what I'm doing cooking Asian food, I'm a Chef (in title as well) now. That college degree I got in August left me broke after a three month job search. At least I'm the boss, and I don't work in a restaurant anymore. I'll pick up the career path again when I'm out of debt and through paying for the wedding.
Oh, I'm getting married, too.
Offline
#24 2008-04-14 22:42:18
Congrats on the wedding, RD, and commiserations from a fellow newly-minted chef. I finished culinary school last year and have been cooking for some upscale markets here in SF. No burns yet, but I did manage a deft slip of the knife to split one of my fingernails in two.
As Rcade would say, "good times."
Offline
#25 2008-04-14 22:47:05
Ow ow ow ow ow ow owie ow.
I am so sorry I asked.
Offline
#26 2008-04-14 23:44:11
raoul.duke wrote:
I took my Markarov CZ out of its holster, and clicked off the safety.
Stupid. When you have time to anticipate using one of those, cock the hammer. That way, you don't have to deal with that double-action-first-shot transition to single action fire. And they wanted you alive, else the .308 would have impacted between your shoulder blades, or the back of your skull.
Last edited by sigmoid freud (2008-04-14 23:59:51)
Offline
#27 2008-04-14 23:48:56
sigmoid freud wrote:
raoul.duke wrote:
I took my Markarov CZ out of its holster, and clicked off the safety.
Stupid. When you have time to anticipate using one of those, cock the hammer. That way, you don't have to deal with that double-action-first-shot transition to single action fire. And they wanted you alive, else the .308 would have impacted between your shoulder blades.
Hey Sig, is B.O. talkin' to you? Just askin'...
Offline
#28 2008-04-15 00:21:53
Lurker wrote:
Hey Sig, is B.O. talkin' to you? Just askin'...
Please edify. What does the Senator from Illinois have to do with my comment on r.d.'s suboptimal fantasy?
Last edited by sigmoid freud (2008-04-15 00:23:04)
Offline
#29 2008-04-15 07:13:21
read the comment he made in the article.....in the link....
Offline
#30 2008-04-15 18:04:40
George Orr wrote:
raoul.duke wrote:
Horse is still around?
Now I'm disappointed in you guys again.Lurker is just being a bitch.
The Equine is (as far as I know) the only person in the fucking universe offensive enough to be banned from High-Street. And he is.
What in the fuck did he do to get banned? I missed that whole deal. That should appease the psuedo power gods here then? For a while, everyday was about who and why to ban. What did Ol' Horsey say?
Offline
#31 2008-04-15 18:45:06
Tom used the e-mail feature to send VERY unwelcome e-mails to at least one other Streeter.
I don't know for sure what happened after that. I could speculate but I'd probably be wrong. I do know it was not an easy decision. This is a place that prides itself on being freewheelin'--that's pretty much the point.
The long and the short of it is: that douchebag just was not going to stop douchebaggin' until he got banned.
Offline
#32 2008-04-15 19:24:22
George Orr wrote:
The Equine is (as far as I know) the only person in the fucking universe offensive enough to be banned from High-Street. And he is.
He may have been at one point, but I just checked and Horse isn't actually banned. Greener pastures I suppose.
I support pretty much indiscriminate banning, abortion and the death penalty, though not necessarily in that order. Fortunate for the membership that I'm on a short leash.
Offline
#33 2008-04-15 19:36:09
opsec wrote:
George Orr wrote:
The Equine is (as far as I know) the only person in the fucking universe offensive enough to be banned from High-Street. And he is.
He may have been at one point, but I just checked and Horse isn't actually banned. Greener pastures I suppose.
I support pretty much indiscriminate banning, abortion and the death penalty, though not necessarily in that order. Fortunate for the membership that I'm on a short leash.
Yes, I think the electric fence was a good investment.
Offline
#34 2008-04-15 19:37:02
opsec wrote:
George Orr wrote:
The Equine is (as far as I know) the only person in the fucking universe offensive enough to be banned from High-Street. And he is.
He may have been at one point, but I just checked and Horse isn't actually banned. Greener pastures I suppose.
I support pretty much indiscriminate banning, abortion and the death penalty, though not necessarily in that order. Fortunate for the membership that I'm on a short leash.
Hey start banning. You have been yacking about banishments since the start.
You will feel pretty silly someday when there is nobody left but you and Lurker.
For a further ego boost why don't you go join a volunteer fire company also? You can get a flashing light for on your minivan.
Offline
#35 2008-04-15 19:52:35
Bigcat wrote:
Hey start banning. You have been yacking about banishments since the start.
You will feel pretty silly someday when there is nobody left but you and Lurker.
This is what I get for being nice. I get the Pennsylvania Sock Puppet Master giving me shit.
I'm not a vengeful demigod, but let Choad turn his back for an instant...
Offline
#36 2008-04-15 19:59:23
A little thin skinned, huh?
Offline
#37 2008-04-15 20:42:46
Bigcat wrote:
A little thin skinned, huh?
Nah not really. I just like to issue empty threats. They're cheap and some people take them seriously.
Last edited by opsec (2008-04-15 20:43:12)
Offline
#38 2008-04-15 20:46:37
If I were banned, who would make you guys seem all smart an' edumacated? (yes, Choad, I know, sarcasm doesn't translate well to the written word) At least I don't threaten physical harm on a public board like some....so....
Offline
