* golf clap *  Excellent.

What's brown and sticky?















A stick!

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...

Two seals walk into a club...

A black guy, a Jew, two gay guys, a few rednecks and a Muslim walk into a bar and the bar tender says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

and I forgot the setup, but the punchline is:  "...Do you think I asked for a 12-inch Pianist?!"

My wife is sooo fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house!

A lady walks into a bar with a duck.

The bartender says, "hey, you can't bring that pig in here."

The lady says, "that's not a pig...it's a duck."

The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Do I have to tell her the war is over?"

"I think not." said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.

If you dig a hole 20ft in circumfurance directly through the earth, all the way from one side to the other, at the equator.  Then you drop a rock directly down the center of the hole you just dug, how far would it go?   Would it stop at the core, melt as it approached the core, go all the way through... what would it do?















It would go 20 feet and the big red rock eater would get it.

A pirate walks into a bar.  Sticking out of his zipper is a pair of handlebars, and perched on them is a bright green parrot.  He orders a whiskey, pounds it, and orders another.  Every day it's the same thing, and everyone is wondering, but nobody  wants to ask, until curiosity finally gets the better of the bartender.

"So, I couldn't help but notice that you have a pair of handlebars coming out of your pants, and there's a parrot on them."

"Aye," said the pirate.  "He's driving me nuts."

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building needed a hand-saw. He spots another worker on the ground floor, and yells down to him; But, he can't hear him.  So, the worker on the fifth floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye indicating "I," pointed to his knee indicating "need," and then moved his hand back and forth in a sawing motion.  The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, and starts masturbating.

The worker on fifth floor gets so pissed off that he runs down to the ground floor, and yells "What the fuck is your problem?  I said that I needed a hand saw!"

The other guy says, "I know. I was just trying to tell you 'I'm coming."

A man was experimenting with a way to make dolphins live forever by feeding sea gulls to them. He began stealing the birds from the local zoo. The zoo officials caught on and tethered a lion to the door to aviary. Undaunted, our would-be scientist simply waited for the beast to fall asleep, tiptoed in and removed the sea gulls.

Fortunately, CCTV had captured the entire escapade and he was arrested at his laboratory, charged with transporting gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

There were two significant female players in this last election, Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama...  Both women have been given offers to appear nude in different magazines, Sarah Palin's offer came from Penthouse and Michelle Obama's from National Geographic....

Man walks into his favorite pub right after work, looking around he sees he is the afternoon's first customer and so bellies up to the bar and orders a pint.  The bartender being the obliging sort delivers said pint and a bowl of shelled peanuts to his customer.  After exchaning the normal, socially expected pleasantries the bartender wanders away and the pub patron turns his attention to the current sport on the TV. 
Out of the blue our patron hears a small voice say "Nice haircut", now this startles our intrepid drinker and he looks about to see who spoke to him; no one around - just the bartender at the far end of the bar.  So our patron calls out, "Did you say something?", the bartender merely shakes his head to the negative.
Shrugging our drinker returns to his cups and TV, but a very short time later hears a soothing voice say "Nice tie, goes very well with your eyes".  Our friend is startled, looking around he notes that he is still the only patron; he shakes his head and wonders about staying in a job so stressful that it causes him to start hearing things.
The TV and beer come back to the center of his attention again but not for long as he hears "Nice shirt, is that Egyptian Cotton?"  Having enough he calls the barkeep back over and demands an explanation.  Naturally the barkeep is befuddled, but only for a moment, then his eyes light up and he says...

"Oh that, that's just the complimentary peanuts"

A seemingly regular guy walks into a bar carrying a satchel with a foot-tall gentleman in a sequined tuxedo close behind. He sidles up to the bar and helps the shorter fellow onto a stool.

Somewhat befuddled at the sight , the bartender cautiously approaches the duo and asks, “What’s your pleasure?”

“Le’mme talk to the manager,” replies the taller man.

The manager is summoned and the pitch begins: “My friend here is a fantastic musician. Blues... Rock & Roll... Boogie... You name it, he can play it.  I think if you were to have him perform here a couple nights a week your business would double, if not triple.”

Intrigued, the manager agrees to an audition on the spot. The guy opens the satchel and pulls out a tiny piano which he places on the bar. The foot-tall dude proceeds to play a medley of rock/blues with such gusto that the manager was amazed and offered the diminutive musician a gig.

“Wow! He’s great! I’ll give ya two nights a week for a month starting this Friday! Where did you find this guy?”

The guy lowers his eyes, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dingy brass oil lamp.

“The genie in this lamp granted my wish and conjured this little superstar.”

Skeptical, the manager queries, “A genie?... In the lamp?... Can I see him?”

The man rubs the lamp a the genie appears. “What is your wish, O’ Master?”

The manager is nearly dumbfounded. “This genie of yours grants wishes?”

The man smiles and says, “That’s right. Go ahead... Make a wish.”

The manager smiles and says, “OK... I wish for a million bucks!”

The genie snaps his fingers and, instantly, the barroom is filled with a million ducks.

Dodging the frenzied fowl, the manager yells, “What’s the matter with that genie of yours? Is he hard of hearing or something?”

“Of course he’s hard of hearing,” the man replied. “Do you think I ASKED for a 12-inch pianist?”

*there ya go. punch it up as you see fit.*

Joe Smith's wife had been feeling poorly with chest pains and heart palpitations, so he took her to the doctor. She was in the exam room for a long time before the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, your wife has acute angina."

Joe replied, "I know that, Doc, but what's wrong with her heart?"

Old, lame jokes never die, they just smell that way.

Last edited by sigmoid freud (2008-11-14 00:50:36)

A guy goes to the doctor for an examination. After conducting several tests, the doctor comes back into the office to give the man the results.

"Sir, I've got bad news and I've got worse news. Which do you want to hear first?"

The visibly upset man decides on the bad news first.

"Well" says the physician, "you've got cancer."

"Oh my God!" says the man. "What is the worse news?"

The physician looked him straight in the eye and says, "You've got Alzheimer's Disease."

"Wheeeew!" says the man. " I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer!"





A horny young man decides to go to the local pub. All night long, he tries to pick up women to take care of his manly urges. One after one, the girls turn him down. Finally, it's closing time and there is only one woman left in the bar. Unfortunately, it looks like she's at least 85 years old.

After weighing his options, the guy decides that he is so horny that he's got to get laid no matter what. He introduces himself to the lady and with hardly any effort gets the woman to come back to his place with him.

They start going after it like a couple of drunk monkeys. The guy ,hornier than ever, rips off granny's bra and starts sucking on one of her nipples. All of a sudden, a big gush of hot milky fluid goes shooting down the guy's throat. Startled, the guy says, "Hey Grandma! Ain't you a little  too old to be pregnant?"

The granny looks at her young lover and says, "Well of course I'm too old to be pregnant. But I'm not too old to have breast cancer!"

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Zookeeper wrote:

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

The punch line should be "Oh, the first guy had National Health - this guy has private insurance."

karenw wrote:

Push the button.

That was so fantastic. It was the best possible response to this thread. Nothing could possibly follow that.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

A rabbi walks into a Manhattan bar with a parrot on his shoulder and orders a glass of  wine.

The bartender asks, “Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “Down in Soho... They’re all over the place.”