#1 2009-02-03 11:42:30
Our business partner has stated that we'd be "blessed" if we decided to join the Latter Day Saints.
Like I don't have enough religions and evil habits to contend with in my little corner of the universe.
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#2 2009-02-03 12:09:55
So I have this female friend who had never seen When Harry Met Sally and the following scene exchange:
Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry Burns: What?
Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.
Harry Burns: Why not?
Sally Albright: Because of God.
About two months after we watch the movie together we are having dinner with a friend of hers and the topic turns to the magic underwear and she goes and grabs them and brings them out to show her friend. The conversation goes on and on about the specifics of wearing them. Her friend inquires as to whether she has just the one pair or multiple pairs. She responds she does have multiples and out of nowhere says, "But they are all Sunday."
Hilarious.
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#3 2009-02-03 14:03:42
I could've sworn I asked for this in the Rule 34 thread. Or was it Amish porn?
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#4 2009-02-04 22:18:38
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#5 2009-02-04 22:52:18
That was funny.
My business partner is funny, too, but it has more to do with the stories he tells about his life before he became a Morgbot.
I actually like and admire Mormons. I don't want to become one.
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#6 2009-02-04 22:59:25
Morons make decent neighbors. You can always raid their cellars when times get tough.
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#7 2009-02-05 11:33:23
The spousal unit dabbled in Mormonism when she was in high school and in a weak place. Luckily she got a decent job at some point and got her head screwed on straight and started to ask questions. Questions to Mormons are like garlic to vampires. Especially for females.
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#8 2009-02-07 00:24:46
I found out over dinner that we are going to the church this Sunday.
Pray for my rotten soul.
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#9 2009-02-07 00:33:24
sofaking wrote:
Our business partner has stated that we'd be "blessed" if we decided to join the Latter Day Saints.
Like I don't have enough religions and evil habits to contend with in my little corner of the universe.
Obviously you aren't jewish or mormon.
Blessed means 20% discount and extended credit.
Heathens like us get rooked.
Your little corner of the universe may just GWB it's way into needing their blessing; after all - it's the least you can do to appreciate what the rest of us are suffering through.
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#10 2009-02-07 00:59:39
GooberMcNutly wrote:
Questions to Mormons are like garlic to vampires.
You are hereby notified that I will be using this and claiming it as my own.
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#11 2009-02-07 01:47:09
sofaking wrote:
I found out over dinner that we are going to the church this Sunday.
Pray for my rotten soul.
Are you serious? Ask them about your husband's planet and where you as a woman fit into all that shite...
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#12 2009-02-07 01:59:55
Emmeran wrote:
sofaking wrote:
Our business partner has stated that we'd be "blessed" if we decided to join the Latter Day Saints.
Like I don't have enough religions and evil habits to contend with in my little corner of the universe.Obviously you aren't jewish or mormon.
Blessed means 20% discount and extended credit.
Heathens like us get rooked.
Your little corner of the universe may just GWB it's way into needing their blessing; after all - it's the least you can do to appreciate what the rest of us are suffering through.
You are a wise man.
That's precisely why we're going. All the big fish here in the middle of Sin City are Mormon. They're aggressively pleasant about wanting their associates to drink the same flavor Kool-Aid as they do.
It's gonna be funny as hell. Jewish + Catholic = White and Delightsome Fake Morgbots. I bet my business partner is gonna get bonus points for us. I do admire their moral fortitude, but I think my path to hell has been paved for a loooong time. I have been very very bad in my life, according to the commandments. Even worse than you might imagine, way beyond loving the evil weed. I'm also very good in many ways, but according to Mormon doctrine, I am not going to their heaven. Ever.
In a way, faking a religion in order to become filthy rich is probably a worse perversion than any I have ever engaged in the past. A personal best.
Note: My older boy thinks we're absolutely insane and refuses to go. Says he's happy with Catholicism.
Last edited by sofaking (2009-02-07 02:08:32)
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#13 2009-02-07 02:07:16
I would to the outer seats; part way through the service they start herding wives.
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#14 2009-02-07 02:32:50
Many years ago, for a story in Alaska, I wrote about the construction and eventual opening of a temple in Anchorage. With a year between the announcement of the temple and the actual dedication of the completed structure, I had plenty of time to read about and study Mormonism pretty intently. I'm still fascinated as hell by the whole thing and keep up with news and events in the Mormon world but after all that study, I came to a single conclusion about their theology: Mormonism is for people who don't like surprises. And that's pretty much Mormonism in a nutshell.
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#15 2009-02-07 02:38:59
Taint wrote:
Many years ago, for a story in Alaska, I wrote about the construction and eventual opening of a temple in Anchorage. With a year between the announcement of the temple and the actual dedication of the completed structure, I had plenty of time to read about and study Mormonism pretty intently. I'm still fascinated as hell by the whole thing and keep up with news and events in the Mormon world but after all that study, I came to a single conclusion about their theology: Mormonism is for people who don't like surprises. And that's pretty much Mormonism in a nutshell.
Astrologically speaking, I am all air and fire signs, except for my ascendant in Cancer.
I am the epitome of a surprise. Like an explosion, to be exact. Air and fire burn shit up.
This might be fun. For a minute.
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#16 2009-02-07 02:41:13
They have ways to tame your wild spirit; before you know it, it will be sugar drinks, wholesome amusements, and you'll be canning and storing food away. HS & Cruel will seem to have been days of sin to you, you will drop us like hotcakes.
We'll miss you after you head to indoctrination camp Sof.
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#17 2009-02-07 02:43:59
I was discussing cargo cults with a friend of mine earlier on tonight and they were laughing at how naive these people were that were awaiting the return of John Frum or were building mock landing strips and control towers.... I got to thinking a bit and came to the conclusion that everyone on the planet would seem just as crazy to any outside observer.... The Mormons are obviously balls crazy believing in such things as celestial sex on some planet that they plan on populating in the afterlife, but they're no more insane than any other system of belief that doesn't use truth seeking and critical thought as it's base...
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#18 2009-02-07 03:16:15
Dmtdust wrote:
They have ways to tame your wild spirit; before you know it, it will be sugar drinks, wholesome amusements, and you'll be canning and storing food away. HS & Cruel will seem to have been days of sin to you, you will drop us like hotcakes.
We'll miss you after you head to indoctrination camp Sof.
Did you not hear me? I have been (and continue to be) an awful person as far as their doctrine mandates. I cannot change. I is who I is.
I thought you knew me better than to think I don't think.
I am doing this out of evil nasty greed.
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#19 2009-02-07 03:30:14
sofaking wrote:
I am doing this out of evil nasty greed.
You’ll find it isn’t worth it. You’ll have to give 10% of your income to the church, donate lots of time to stupid church projects, and they will ask for special contributions above the 10% you are already expected to give. The excellent payoffs don’t occur until you make it to the higher levels, just like any other pyramid scheme. As a woman, you are chattel and are not eligible for the lucrative levels.
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#20 2009-02-07 03:44:13
fnord wrote:
sofaking wrote:
I am doing this out of evil nasty greed.
You’ll find it isn’t worth it. You’ll have to give 10% of your income to the church, donate lots of time to stupid church projects, and they will ask for special contributions above the 10% you are already expected to give. The excellent payoffs don’t occur until you make it to the higher levels, just like any other pyramid scheme. As a woman, you are chattel and are not eligible for the lucrative levels.
Our business partner is a multi-gazillionaire. He converted 3 years ago. He doesn't fully tithe, because it would be thousands a week. He thinks it has blessed him. Bully for him.
Fun fact: He claims he only goes to strip clubs "so he can go be mean to the dancers and not be mean to his wife". He asks them things like, "Did they hire you over the phone?". He joined the church because he ran for city council in 2005 (he lost to the incumbent). He's a trip without luggage.
I'm gonna pretend to have an open mind. I do have one, but I know it's bullshit. It's like asking the Easter Bunny if Santa is real.
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#21 2009-02-07 10:39:03
sofaking wrote:
I have been very very bad in my life, according to the commandments. Even worse than you might imagine
Look, sofa, going by the Mormons all you have to do to be damned and unworthy is think for yourself. They can forgive everything else, but not that.
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#22 2009-02-07 11:20:29
Sofie, go. Enjoy the novelty of it, learn a few things about Mormonism, maybe meet some nice people. But remember: don't eat the green Jell-O.
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#24 2009-02-07 12:34:18
sofaking wrote:
Did you not hear me? I have been (and continue to be) an awful person as far as their doctrine mandates. I cannot change. I is who I is.
I thought you knew me better than to think I don't think.
I am doing this out of evil nasty greed.
Yes, I heard you, and I was having a bit of fun. Girl, you're nervous. That lip quivering is un-like you.
D
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#25 2009-02-07 12:36:55
I'd be nervous too. I mean, a Mormon temple? I don't think I'd have the guts.
But it'll be fine, sofa. Wear pastels and do something dull with your hair, and practice your simper in the mirror before going to services.
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#26 2009-02-07 12:41:36
George Orr wrote:
I'd be nervous too. I mean, a Mormon temple? I don't think I'd have the guts.
But it'll be fine, sofa. Wear pastels and do something dull with your hair, and practice your simper in the mirror before going to services.
She can't get into a temple: one has to be a Mormon in good standing with approval from local church authorities to gain entry to a temple. She'll be attending a regular ol' church service. Mormon churches are largely indistinguishable from any Protestant church except for the notable lack of a cross and its slightly more antiseptic appearance.
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#27 2009-02-07 12:52:19
I differ. They have the women's/unchosen male section or whatever it is. My sister was married to a Jack Marmot for a couple of years, and even went to the big one in the Capital of Marmots.
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#28 2009-02-07 12:59:14
Taint wrote:
George Orr wrote:
I'd be nervous too. I mean, a Mormon temple? I don't think I'd have the guts.
But it'll be fine, sofa. Wear pastels and do something dull with your hair, and practice your simper in the mirror before going to services.She can't get into a temple: one has to be a Mormon in good standing with approval from local church authorities to gain entry to a temple. She'll be attending a regular ol' church service. Mormon churches are largely indistinguishable from any Protestant church except for the notable lack of a cross and its slightly more antiseptic appearance.
I believe you are absolutely correct...
Not gonna happen.
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#29 2009-02-07 13:09:22
Dmtdust wrote:
I differ. They have the women's/unchosen male section or whatever it is. My sister was married to a Jack Marmot for a couple of years, and even went to the big one in the Capital of Marmots.
That, I believe, was a fluke. If it happened, it wasn't supposed to. I've been in a temple, as well, but it was still unconsecrated. If your sister got into a temple, she either converted or someone fudged the paperwork.
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#30 2009-02-07 13:12:20
George Orr wrote:
I'd be nervous too. I mean, a Mormon temple? I don't think I'd have the guts.
But it'll be fine, sofa. Wear pastels and do something dull with your hair, and practice your simper in the mirror before going to services.
My hair is so long I can sit on it. I can do a 'do like the FLDS, like a french braid with the pompadour front. I wonder if they'll get my funny, or think it looks reeel purty.
I'm going to the corporate section of my closet for the clothing. It's like going on a job interview, I guess.
The simpering part is gonna present a challenge. I'm taller than a lot of men, including Mr. Sofie and our business partner. I don't think anyone wants me to simper. I have noticed that many LDS women talk like children. I myself do not. If they don't like it they can get stuffed.
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#31 2009-02-07 13:25:39
Get a nice pastel prairie dress for your debut. I don’t have to tell you that the men’s shoes normally worn by cult women who favor this style somehow detracts from the effect.
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#32 2009-02-07 13:29:05
sofaking wrote:
My hair is so long I can sit on it. I can do a 'do like the FLDS, like a french braid with the pompadour front. I wonder if they'll get my funny, or think it looks reeel purty.
I'm going to the corporate section of my closet for the clothing. It's like going on a job interview, I guess.
The simpering part is gonna present a challenge. I'm taller than a lot of men, including Mr. Sofie and our business partner. I don't think anyone wants me to simper. I have noticed that many LDS women talk like children. I myself do not. If they don't like it they can get stuffed.
Stop it. This is low level erotica for me. Long, long hair? Check. Corporate closet? Check. Noises about being a strong woman? Check.
Of course this is only one of many, many scenarios that winds me up. Stop. Check.
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#33 2009-02-09 09:32:01
Enjoy your time in Mormon-town. Take lot's of pictures. Post them here.
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#34 2009-02-09 12:48:13
Taint wrote:
George Orr wrote:
I'd be nervous too. I mean, a Mormon temple? I don't think I'd have the guts.
But it'll be fine, sofa. Wear pastels and do something dull with your hair, and practice your simper in the mirror before going to services.She can't get into a temple: one has to be a Mormon in good standing with approval from local church authorities to gain entry to a temple. She'll be attending a regular ol' church service. Mormon churches are largely indistinguishable from any Protestant church except for the notable lack of a cross and its slightly more antiseptic appearance.
Correct - just being a maturbator will keep you out of the temple proper. There is a visitors area but that's more of a gift shop than anything else.
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#35 2009-02-09 22:13:57
Check the underwear. It's freaky.
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#36 2009-02-09 22:33:06
I went.
It's weird.
The wheat bread and water are weird.
The ratio of morbidly obese people is astounding. Why is this? I mean like 400+ lbs.
I wore my highest heels, which made me tower over them.
I wore the french braid, and it took me an hour to do my makeup so I looked like I had none on. Long skirt, tight sweater, matching cardigan, Catholic cross necklace (ha!).
The missionaries (kinda hot) are coming over either tomorrow night or Friday. They looked at me like the cartoon wolf looks at lamb chops. They need to have sex of some sort. They're not allowed in without Mr. Sofie present.
Our business parner is buying us a 2400 square foot house on 1/2 an acre (because I love organic vegetable gardening) in his ward.
I am still as evil as ever. Continue to pray for the salvation of my rotten soul.
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#37 2009-02-09 22:39:17
sofaking wrote:
You are a wise man.
That's precisely why we're going. All the big fish here in the middle of Sin City are Mormon. They're aggressively pleasant about wanting their associates to drink the same flavor Kool-Aid as they do.
It's gonna be funny as hell. Jewish + Catholic = White and Delightsome Fake Morgbots. I bet my business partner is gonna get bonus points for us. I do admire their moral fortitude, but I think my path to hell has been paved for a loooong time. I have been very very bad in my life, according to the commandments. Even worse than you might imagine, way beyond loving the evil weed. I'm also very good in many ways, but according to Mormon doctrine, I am not going to their heaven. Ever.
In a way, faking a religion in order to become filthy rich is probably a worse perversion than any I have ever engaged in the past. A personal best.
Note: My older boy thinks we're absolutely insane and refuses to go. Says he's happy with Catholicism.
The reason there are so many Mor(m)ons in Vegas is because those are the only guys The Mob could trust back when they ruled Vegas, they were so honest.
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#38 2009-02-17 13:17:41
Can't do it.
I just can't.
Nope.
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#39 2009-02-17 13:31:53
Can't do WHAT?
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#40 2009-02-17 14:00:40
I think she means convert, even as a business move.
You shouldn't do something your conscience tells you is wrong for you. Now, brew up a pot of really strong coffee, put on some sexy lingerie, and smoke a bowl.
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#41 2009-02-17 14:10:02
Taint wrote:
I think she means convert, even as a business move.
You shouldn't do something your conscience tells you is wrong for you. Now, brew up a pot of really strong coffee, put on some sexy lingerie, and smoke a bowl.
That's the problem. I don't have a conscience. At least not in the sense that they have one.
My business partner will benefit much more if I just stay the way I am.
I can't do it.
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#42 2009-02-17 14:15:04
Are you actually being pressured to convert?
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#43 2009-02-17 14:22:50
sofaking wrote:
Taint wrote:
I think she means convert, even as a business move.
You shouldn't do something your conscience tells you is wrong for you. Now, brew up a pot of really strong coffee, put on some sexy lingerie, and smoke a bowl.That's the problem. I don't have a conscience. At least not in the sense that they have one.
My business partner will benefit much more if I just stay the way I am.
I can't do it.
You obviously do have a conscience, Sofie, or this wouldn't be such an issue for you. If you know that Mormonism isn't a good fit for you - whether it be for love, theology, or a shrewd business move - then it's a matter of conscience.
I hope things work out for you regardless, but I suspect you've made the right decision.
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#44 2009-02-17 14:23:44
George Orr wrote:
Are you actually being pressured to convert?
Yes.
I think it's referred to as "lovebombing".
If I'm gonna join a cult (aside from this one), it's gonna need to involve kinky sex and the use of marijuana as a sacrament.
Otherwise, I'm not feeling it.
http://human-nature.com/nibbs/02/cults.html
Last edited by sofaking (2009-02-17 14:28:35)
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#45 2009-02-17 14:38:00
Damn it Sofie!!! I wish I knew you were looking to get into a weird sex and pot smoking cult BEFORE I came home from Vegas. I just so happen to belong and am a member in good standing of such an organization. I can put you in for initiation, I will just have to make another run out there.
What days next week would be good for getting started on the kinky sex and would you please supply enough pot for both of us?I typically would supply my own but travel isn't free.
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#46 2009-02-17 14:56:46
Bigcat wrote:
Damn it Sofie!!! I wish I knew you were looking to get into a weird sex and pot smoking cult BEFORE I came home from Vegas. I just so happen to belong and am a member in good standing of such an organization. I can put you in for initiation, I will just have to make another run out there.
What days next week would be good for getting started on the kinky sex and would you please supply enough pot for both of us?I typically would supply my own but travel isn't free.
Are you in a missionary position?
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#47 2009-02-17 15:04:57
sofaking wrote:
Bigcat wrote:
Damn it Sofie!!! I wish I knew you were looking to get into a weird sex and pot smoking cult BEFORE I came home from Vegas. I just so happen to belong and am a member in good standing of such an organization. I can put you in for initiation, I will just have to make another run out there.
What days next week would be good for getting started on the kinky sex and would you please supply enough pot for both of us?I typically would supply my own but travel isn't free.Are you in a missionary position?
I always wondered how people did that. How do you have sex on a bicycle?
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#48 2009-02-17 15:41:55
sofaking wrote:
Bigcat wrote:
Damn it Sofie!!! I wish I knew you were looking to get into a weird sex and pot smoking cult BEFORE I came home from Vegas. I just so happen to belong and am a member in good standing of such an organization. I can put you in for initiation, I will just have to make another run out there.
What days next week would be good for getting started on the kinky sex and would you please supply enough pot for both of us?I typically would supply my own but travel isn't free.Are you in a missionary position?
Good one!
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#49 2009-02-17 15:51:40
tojo2000 wrote:
sofaking wrote:
Bigcat wrote:
Damn it Sofie!!! I wish I knew you were looking to get into a weird sex and pot smoking cult BEFORE I came home from Vegas. I just so happen to belong and am a member in good standing of such an organization. I can put you in for initiation, I will just have to make another run out there.
What days next week would be good for getting started on the kinky sex and would you please supply enough pot for both of us?I typically would supply my own but travel isn't free.Are you in a missionary position?
I always wondered how people did that. How do you have sex on a bicycle?
A slightly out-of-style tie and a small, plastic name tag are essential tools in performance.
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#50 2009-02-17 17:12:33
I admire you for saying you can’t pretend to be a religious nutcase for the sake of economic gain, but don’t let that stop you if it turns out it really is in your best interests to do so. Just stop in and post funny bulletins from behind the lines for our amusement if you go through with it!
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