I am sorry you're going through this.

When I did home hospice nursing, it always seemed to me that the people that were best adjusted spoke openly of their diagnosis and talked about and did things that made them happy. The people in denial seemed miserable.

As a fellow Sagittarius, I can totally understand having difficulty facing hard and unpleasant things. Your positive attitude will most likely be one of the things that helps her feel better.

Read this:

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/ch … r_ross.htm

It will help you understand what she's going through.

Dirck, I've been through the AIDS and Hepatitis ordeals with a number of friends, and Sofie's right, those who are open about their diagnoses and ailments and who talk about them fare best. It doesn't mean it will solve their problems, of course, but emotionally, they're usually more able to deal with what's happening. If your mother's willing to talk about it - indeed, if she wants to talk about it - let her. Listen to her. It may be hard for you to do that because it will no doubt open a whole onslaught of emotions for you, too, but my experience has been it's the best approach for most people. Besides, people with terminal illnesses are often full of great, black jokes about their experiences.

This is awful news; my thoughts go out to you and your family.

Coming out of my dark corner to offer a few words that I hope will help.

First, try not to dwell on any given life expectancy time. If you give someone 6 weeks to live, sure enough that's as long as they'll last. Instead of counting time left, focus more on making the time left count.

Second, get hospice services as soon as possible. Too many times people don't obtain hospice services until the very last days or even hours. The services that they provide are all encompassing. Not only do they provide medical services, but they also provide emotional and spiritual support to everyone involved. Each hospice has their own criteria and you may not yet qualify. Keep trying though. I've been a nurse for far too many years and am always impressed by the quality and caring given by hospice. Go talk to a few of them and see just what they can do to help.

When speaking/listening to your Mom, keep in mind that this is her journey and experience. No one knows what she's going through unless they too have been in her shoes. All you can do is understand that it is difficult and profound and be there to help her though.

All the rest, hospice will help you with.

Hope this helps a little. Wishing you peace before going back into the shadows.

Dirck - I am sorry about your mother's illness.  I agree with the advice you are getting about telling her how you feel about her, and doing the things together that she likes to do.  I am no expert, but I think talking about it openly and giving her opportunities to express herself is the way to go.  She may move through the depression more quickly if she opens up some and finds you and your father are with her all the way.

My father died of cancer, and the last 8 months of his life it was clear how the course would go.  While he was still ambulatory and could communicate effectively, we went out to dinner, visited parks, went for walks, etc.  Once his condition deteriorated, we got involved with hospice was incredible -- helpful in many ways and allowed him to die at home with his family close at hand.  My father really enjoyed the nurse hospice provided, and the counselor was extremely helpful to my mother, particularly in reaching the point where she could tell my father that it was okay for him to let go.

You’ve been given good advice in regards to your mother.  What I want to talk about is your father.  He is the one who will bear the brunt of dealing with your mother’s ups and downs and his needs may very well be overlooked in the months ahead.  He’s the one who will have to deal with emotional breakdowns at 3 am.  He’s the one who will have to deal with craziness brought on by pain meds, sleeping pills, and tranquilizers given around the clock on a regular basis.  If frequent treatments are required, he’s the one who will have to rearrange his life to make sure they get done.  He may start sleeping at strange hours and for short periods of time several times per day depending on when she needs the most attention.  And he will find his own life is being put on hold and he is becoming isolated because of her needs.

I know about this because I’m living it right now.  My partner of 17 years has prostate cancer and the last two years have revolved around surgery, radiation treatments, medical appointments, and at times procedures at home that I’ve had to take care of.  Hospice is not an option until a determination has been made that death is likely within six months, so until then I am the primary caregiver.  I’m fortunate in that there are people in my life who understand what is going on and make the effort to be there for me and help me deal with my own feelings about the situation.

I can only express sympathy for you, your mother and father, and everyone else whose lives are going to be affected by your mother’s illness.

I have to ditto what everyone else said.  When my dad died last April from prostate cancer it was difficult, because he did not reach acceptance until the very end. You will just have to follow your mom's lead.  If she is in denial, let her be in denial.  If she wants to talk about it, let her talk about it.  Just try to spend as much time with her as possible and try to keep her involved in as many activities as possible that will keep her distracted.

Also, someone mentioned hospice service and getting it early...this is great advice.  They will usually supply a counselor or social worker to work with the person to help them deal with their issues and they will also be a resource for the family.

Everyone has given good advice.  I'll just say that I can empathize and wish you and yours an easy journey, Dirck.

fnord wrote:

You’ve been given good advice in regards to your mother.  What I want to talk about is your father.  He is the one who will bear the brunt of dealing with your mother’s ups and downs and his needs may very well be overlooked in the months ahead.  He’s the one who will have to deal with emotional breakdowns at 3 am.  He’s the one who will have to deal with craziness brought on by pain meds, sleeping pills, and tranquilizers given around the clock on a regular basis.  If frequent treatments are required, he’s the one who will have to rearrange his life to make sure they get done.  He may start sleeping at strange hours and for short periods of time several times per day depending on when she needs the most attention.  And he will find his own life is being put on hold and he is becoming isolated because of her needs.

I know about this because I’m living it right now.  My partner of 17 years has prostate cancer and the last two years have revolved around surgery, radiation treatments, medical appointments, and at times procedures at home that I’ve had to take care of.  Hospice is not an option until a determination has been made that death is likely within six months, so until then I am the primary caregiver.  I’m fortunate in that there are people in my life who understand what is going on and make the effort to be there for me and help me deal with my own feelings about the situation.

I can only express sympathy for you, your mother and father, and everyone else whose lives are going to be affected by your mother’s illness.

Oh, Fnord.

I'm sorry for you, too.

*hugs*

I am having a smaller dose of this right now (only smaller because this is a friend that I like a lot but am not super close to).  My friend beat breast cancer at the age of 26...and this month out of nowhere (at age 29) found out that not only is the cancer back, but it's stage 4, and terminal.  They have given her 1-3 years.  At 29.  I have been processing for a month.  I still don't know what to say or do, other then listen when she needs to talk...and I have taken care of what I can financially for her so she doesn't have to worry about stupid things like paying bills/medical bills while she's trying to 'enjoy' the rest of the time she has left.  She has a wonderful support system of friends who are all helping with this. 

I will say, that she is very open about this.  She talks about it with whomever wants to know.  She keeps a blog updated to let us know how she feels, what is going on.  She goes to cancer walks and other related events to support others in the same situation.   She appears to be doing well.  But how 'well' is doing well?  She seems to be happier then I would expect.

Anyways, my point is, I'm not really sure...what to recommend.  Though I have to agree, it seems that people that are more open and willing to face the situation are 'happier' then those who don't or can't. 

All I can recommend is to make sure that there is really nothing else she has to focus on aside of that which is important  - enjoying her time with her family and doing whatever it is she *wants* to do.   There are no easy answers. 

I'm sorry.  And I wish the best for you and yours in this tough situation.

RT

Fnord...

I was really shaken to read this about the partner.  I wish you both an easing of the way with this.

D

hedgewizard wrote:

I hope you have a lot more time than you think and that it's good.  My Mom was told she would be dead before the end of the year from liver cancer.  That was fourteen years ago and she's still hell on wheels, taking my youngest sister to Europe this summer.  She didn't want to talk to any of us about it and got so mad when my Dad told us she quit going to the doctor.

That's sort of controversial, even in medical circles.  When they say you have x time to live, what they're really saying is "out of 100 people with your condition, the majority fall within this window."   They must be mindful of giving people false hope, however.